Summertime...and the livin's easy (or not so much)

It's the last Sunday in July, and I'm coming to the realization that I haven't written anything about what I've been doing here in Fiji this whole month. This is unfortunate because it has been an incredibly busy month. Great, but incredibly busy.

Week 1

A few videographers came this week to put together a you-tube video for Help International. It's actually one guy and his girlfriend, and they spent the day with me and Sandra out in the villages because they wanted to get some shots of us teaching and cooking with the locals. They're a fun couple, and I really enjoyed getting to know them. As for the video, I guess it's not really publicity for Help as much as it's supposed to just open up people's idea of development work. Admittedly, I'm a bit skeptical about it having that desired effect. Either way though, I'm curious to see how it turns out. I'll be sure to post it here when its finished.

Week 2

I went to Suva again this week. Sometimes I really wish I could just live there for the summer, because I really don't care for going back and forth. This week I had an appointment with Dr. Isimeli Tukana. He's the big guy over NCD's in Fiji. Originally, I met with him to pitch the diabetes book I wrote and get approval for the WHO to publish it. What ended up happening, was me agreeing to write a book to teenagers about media awareness. I might have been more bummed about the book not getting automatic approval, but even if it never does get published, meeting with Dr. Tukana was the best thing that could have happened to me in Fiji.

You see, Dr. Tukana has my job. Well, the job I would like one day anyway. He's the go-to guy for policy and programs in the Ministry of Health. After out initial visit, Sandra and I went to interview him for her research project later that week. It turned into a very long conversation about some of my policy ideas and even the opportunity I may have in the future to help them carry out some of their initiatives. I doubt I'll have a better opportunity to gain such relevant experience with what I want to do for my PhD work. I'm excited to see how that all pans out.

Oh, and as for the book, I also met with the a press team from the Hibiscus Festival committee. I guess the theme for the festival is NCD's so they were wondering if I would be willing to put together a short skit for the pageant contestants to perform at the festival. I showed them the diabetes book and they thought it was perfect. I'm hoping to get the book published before the festival so that maybe they can distribute it after the performance. If not, the performance will be a great start at getting people to become more aware. So I'll be headed back to Suva in a few weeks to help organize the skit. The one thing I'm a bit bummed about, is that the festival happens the day after I leave Fiji, so I won't be able to catch the actual performance.

As if all of that wasn't enough, Sandra somehow roped me into going on a double date on my last day in Suva this week. She called it "not a date," but the moment we met up with everyone else, it was very apparent that it was. Funny thing though, I had actually met my date before. We had met almost a month earlier in the temple from doing sealings together. Haha I actually remember talking to Annie about it that evening and telling her I got to do sealings with one of the most attractive Fijians I'd ever seen.

As you can imagine, my face upon finding out he was my date was rather priceless. Sandra called it 'fate,' but I would consider it more God's ceaseless sense of humor. And just to make the date just a little more interesting, that man was not my only date that night. I guess somebody got their wires crossed, and in an effort to find me a date, two guys were called, and two guys showed up.

Lol maybe other women would enjoy this, but to me, it was mostly just overwhelming. I don't care much for dating, and paying attention to one date all night is exhausting enough. Two dates just about killed me. It didn't help that they were both fresh off the mission either. The one I had met before just got back from his mission in Ogden (where my brother is currently serving), and the other served in California. They both are majoring in engineering (what all of my brothers have thusfar majored in), and hoping to go to school in the states. Between the extensive amount of familial conversations and the random times they would talk to eachother in Fijian, I'm still not sure if they actually enjoyed the 'date,' but they did invite me to hang out with them again when I go back. Lol hopefully they mean in a larger and less paired off group setting. I don't think I have the energy for that again.

After returning from Suva, we decided to spend our Saturday at Treasure Island resort. The parents of one of the YSA girls from Lautoka works there and she was able to get us a great rate for the day. It was a gorgeous island. As you can see.



The snorkeling was stunning and the lunch was overwhelming delicious. I also had the chance to kayak with Molly and Holly (two of our other volunteers). We kayaked to one of the other nearby islands, swam a bit, watched people parasail there, all while I was coveting the jet-ski's they had available for guests of that island. I wish I had a camera out on the kayak, because I've never seen such blue ocean water in my life. It was bluer than the Crayola "ocean blue" crayon, and you could see for at least 10 feet deep or so. Enjoyable as it was, the kayaking did work up quite an appetite, and I was starving by lunch time.

The lunch at treasure island was a buffet, and luckily stocked with tons of different kinds of veggies. Whether it's from my body knowing what it needs or my education playing tricks on my brain, spending lots of time in the sun always makes me crave vegetables. Between the squash, corn, carrots, broccoli, green beans, tomatoes, onions, and romaine, I probably ate 10-12 servings of veggies in just that one setting. It was soooooooooooooo good. As to be expected though, that sent me into a food coma. I tried walking it off by wandering around the beach, but I got half way and felt the need to just lie down on one of the many lounge chairs. I passed out there, and woke up to someone calling my name. I guess the boat was all loaded and everybody was ready to go, but one of the workers (haha not one of my country directors) mentioned that somebody was missing. That lead to the search party, and my unwelcome wake up call. Haha after all, I would not have minded getting stuck there overnight.

Week 3




This week the whole team took a trip to Navai. It's one of the most rural villages in Fiji and sits at the base of Mt. Victoria. I had scheduled with Irene to go out and give my nutrition lectures to the village, but the whole team decided to join for the chance to hike Mt. Victoria. Originally, I planned to do this with them, but after a really cold rainy night and some honest examinations of my less-than-suitable hiking sandals, I decided to stay back and hang out with some of the locals instead. Though everybody seemed to enjoy the hike, I'm really glad I stayed behind. It was one of my most relaxing days in Fiji.



The weather was cool, the village was quiet, and the family we stayed with was incredibly hospitable. I played with their kittens, their daughter Lucy, watched some Bollywood, took a nap, and went for a walk with Tacy and Nikki (who also stayed behind). I didn't have anybody asking me questions, I didn't have to worry about any plans or schedules, and most of all, I had some time all to myself. It was incredible, and rather energizing actually. Working on that entry on love had taken a lot out of me, and this was a great opportunity to recenter and refuel before finishing it up.

After returning from Navai, one of our girls got incredibly sick. Likely, it was from the wild boar she tried on the hike. Back into mother mode, I spent the next couple days taking care of her and trying to get the house and schedules for the next week in order. I don't know if I've mentioned this yet. But I really have enjoyed the chance I've had to be "Momma Cherie." The girls here are wonderful and I've loved the chance to work with them, laugh with them, and serve them. It's been a great experience.

Week 4

This week we celebrated Sia's birthday. Sia is our cook and the woman I've been working with most in my efforts to provide food for the team. She's an amazing and sweet woman, and because of the friendship I've built with her, it was designated to me to figure out a way to get her to her surprise party. We decided the best way to celebrate was taking her out to dinner instead of her cooking for us. My mission, was to get her to the restaurant at 5pm after doing our weekly shopping together. Well, it was a particularly quick shopping trip and somehow, we were done by 4pm. So, I did the only thing I could think of...I stalled...for an hour.

My first method of delay was to ask her opinion on a few things we might need for the house. After that, I asked for her help in purchasing a suluchamba. I told her I wanted her help picking out materials so we went to do that first. Next, I told her to pick out some material for herself because a suluchamba was my b-day present to her, and that after picking out the material, we had to go get ourselves fitted. The timing of all this was perfect, and we finished with our fittings right at 5pm. I then told her I had to pick something up at the restaurant I was supposed to get her to, and without her suspecting a thing, got her to her first surprise birthday party. As much as I love healthy food; pizza, cake, and ice-cream, will always be appreciated by my palate.

The morning after Sia's party, I went to Suva again. This time I went to do HPS (health promoting schools) surveys with Molly, Holly, and Bekah. I was glad I went, because spending time with them was exactly what I needed. They helped me to have fun and at the same time, not fret about trying to pick up the slack I'm constantly being handed. You see, as much as I don't mind being Momma Cherie, it has been bugging me that I've had to take on several country director roles out of default, and without compensation. There's something frustrating about doing the job that I'm paying someone else to do.

The problem is, I have an idea woman for a leader. She's incredibly nice, and I actually really like her personality, but often she seems out of touch and oblivious when it comes to functional planning. It's been a reoccurring problem throughout this trip, and since I hate bad plans, I've tried to pick up some of that slack. For example. Monday, she tried to plan out a HPS trip for us, but it wasn't a plan as much as it was an idea, and since I was the one who was going to be suffering the consequences of that bad plan, I spent my whole day Monday trying to do her job, and make an actual plan. I spent the morning researching and calling all the different schools we were supposed to visit that week. I mapped and scheduled them out so that we could actually get through them in the time allotted, and then told her how we were going to carry things out.

In all, we were able to visit 16 schools in 4 days, and with the exception of one school whose road was washed out by floods, we finished our evaluations in that area. It was an incredible experience to meet with all of these different headmasters. I ended up taking all the rural schools because it was the most efficient way to get them done. Rough as it was getting there, I really appreciated the opportunity to talk with and assess the needs of these remote schools. Perhaps it was just strange coincidence, but all the headmasters I ended up visiting in these villages remembered me from the conference we had had a few months previously. They liked the ideas I presented there and were very receptive and open during our interviews. I felt like I was able to get a clear picture of what they were wanting to achieve in their schools, as well as what was hindering that progression. It's interesting to see how much opportunity for service there is when you are able to form relationships with those in need.

Overall, I felt like it was a successful trip, and I'm happy I was able to help get everything done. I guess I should just be grateful for the opportunity I have to step up and test my leadership skills. It's something I've been wanting to improve for a long time. Maybe this is just a good opportunity for practice.

Birds, Bees, and DDT

I've never been much of a romantic.  Lets face it, I'm somewhat stunted by my own practical nature to have too much appreciation for it.  Yes, I can think of a handful of experiences in my life that one might describe as 'romantic', but many of those seem floofy in nature and inconsequential in meaning.  Often it seemed like those romantic gestures were more distracting than inspiring, and caused more confusion than clarity because they often communicated intentions and emotions perhaps didn't actually exist.  Now that doesn't mean I'm against romance.  Rather, I'm a huge advocate of any gesture that communicates clearly what one is feeling inside.  But it needs to be honest, and to be honest it has to be real.  To be real, it needs to be backed up with the mundane, everyday actions that actually make up the foundation of a solid love and regard.  Too often I see those gestures made without the actions of service, empathy, and understanding.  Too often I've seen them used as a tool to manipulate the emotions of another, usually in an effort to attain something from them (often affection, affirmation, or attention).

I can't tell you how many times I've used affirmation and affection (from back-scratching to kissing; nothing too crazy) as a means of manipulating romantic feelings out of a guy.  What's more tragic, is realizing how many times that kind of worked.  Emphasis on kind of.  It usually convinced them to try and date me (some even wanted to marry me) because they enjoyed how I made them feel, but it never did inspire them to respect, serve, love, or even really get to know who I actually am.  It never provided me any feelings of safety or security because I knew there was no solid foundation for that relationship.  I had figuratively built a house of cards that couldn't bear the weight of reality.  I was full of seemingly genuine romantic gestures, but never felt the emotional connection and trust required for it to be real.  And likewise, many of the guys who expressed grand feelings of romance never did really get to know me.  Haha, I know.  It's not really a mystery as to why I'm single.

So admittedly, I know nothing about love and romance.  I'm more familiar with the 'not-love' category.  At 26, I'm behind most people my age in experience, and admittedly lacking in many of those desires.  It's something that has been on my mind for months, (okay....years), but all I've been able to form in that time are theories and observations.  I've talked to countless people about it.  I've asked endless questions.  I've read, pondered, and prayed on the subject to exhaustion.  As I age, I do feel like I'm starting to comprehend some things a little better.  But my experience is still largely non-existent, and therefore my understanding rather narrow and naive.  That frustrates me profusely because it's something I really want to comprehend.  It's something powerful that I've seen shape, lift, and change entire lives, and I want to know how it does that. 

In case it's not obvious by now, love is kind of my obsession.  But not just romantic love.  Though I do have desires to love, marry, and progress with my spouse for eternity, I find great fulfillment in just exploring the overall concept of love.  Romantic love is just one aspect of that curiosity.  In my mind, human love is a complicated topic with powerful implications.  I find that, the more I learn about love, the more reverence I have for it and the happier I feel.  In a way, I'm in love with love, and I feel blessed every day for the opportunity to practice that love in my family and friendships.  But there are things about love that I constantly wonder about, and those questions often nag my waking thoughts.  One of these, is why haven't we advanced very far, as a species, in comprehending, propagating, and promoting love?  We've had centuries to learn, improve, and teach our children how to do it better.  Why haven't we become experts in love?  Why is it so difficult for us to create, communicate, and practice something that each and every human being seems to desire?  

My first guess, is that very few have even been able to explore the possibilities of the concept - let alone master it.  I look at those famous researchers, neurologists, and psychologists who spend their whole life obsessing about love, but can't maintain one single monogamous relationship or healthy family life.  Sure, there might be something to be said for "those who can't do, teach," but moreover, I wonder if love is something so eternal and comprehensive, that our finite human minds can't focus on one of it's possibilities without excluding large portions of it from our perceptions.  I wonder if the reason those 'experts' seem to fail in practice is because they've tried to narrow love down into a mold that robs it of it's eternally expansive essence.

In my people-watchings I'm always amazed by how many different forms and manifestations romantic love seems to take.  Sometimes I see the incredible power and celestial possibilities of romantic love.  Other times, I see the seemingly unromantic choices required to perpetuate romantic love.  I've seen incredible acts of selflessness, kindness, and compassion, all driven by a desire to love, as well as the impossible made possible just because someone was motivated by love. 



On the other hand, sometimes I see relationships that claim mutual love, but don't emit any of it's uplifting fruits.  Often I've seen smart people do very stupid and destructive things in the pursuit of romantic love, and at times some abusive things in the name of that love.  But, is what those people are professing as love actually love?  Or is it an adulterated form of the word, far removed from the original and always uplifting concept?  Is the man cheating on his wife really capable of feeling the love he professes for her?  Is the abused woman who claims to love her abuser really able to feel love when she has lost the ability to love herself?  Can either of those be capable of the love needed to properly raise children and teach them how to love themselves and others?  From where I sit, it seems doubtful.

After all, love is an ambiguous concept, wrapped in a paradox, and often sold as a conundrum.  The fact that the word "love" can be a verb, noun, adverb, and even an adjective just goes to show how intricate and involved the concept is.  And that's just in the English language.  Include all the different types of love described by all the different languages around the world, and you have a topic that all of humanity seems obsessed about and yet totally ignorant of as a whole.  Based on the complicated and convoluted understanding of love being portrayed by most media outlets and even scientific studies, I feel pretty comfortable stating that we, as a species, haven't even scratched the surface on the true nature and possibility of human love, and that includes romantic love.

I mean, if you think about it, what is romantic love?  Is it an extension of familial love?  A product of developed attraction?  A subset of God's love?  Or is it in it's own category altogether?  Is physical attraction really requisite for romantic love to exist?  Is romantic love spiritual in nature or is it just the product of physical attraction mixed with our reproductive dispositions?  Does sexual attraction exist on a spiritual level?  Or is it just a product of our genetics and social programming?  Well, from everything I've read, including all of the brain scans, psychological testing, and studies done, they really only agree on one thing - it's complicated.  For those not familiar with academia, "it's complicated" is the academic's way of saying "we don't really know."

I'm not a psychologist, a neurologist, nor any kind of expert in romance, but in my studies and efforts to find answers to these questions, I've made a few theories of my own: 1.) that love is a spiritual concept and property, and 2.) that part of what makes romantic love so complicated is that it is one of the few areas of our human experience where our physical and spiritual appetites meet, interact, and start to have eternal impacts. 

"Spiritual appetite" may be a strange concept, but I feel pretty comfortable making the assertion that the desire to be loved is very much a spiritual appetite.  It's why we as women are so paranoid about 'being loved for our body.'  It's why statements like "he/she loves me for me" are so cliche.  Our spirits desire love.  We crave the deep spiritual connections that fill us with peace and a sense of purpose.  We desire the safety and security that comes from knowing another being cares about you, (the real you, not the perceived you) deeply and unconditionally.

Why do we crave that?  I'm sure there are plenty of psychologists who would jump on that question and try to answer it with a laundry list of neurotransmitters.  But personally, I'm pretty sure the reason we crave love is because, as spirit children of a Heavenly Father, we once knew and felt the infinitely wonderful feeling of divine love.  We continually knew of it's comfort, warmth, safety, and security.  Coming to an earth where that feeling isn't always felt or perceived would be like coming from the Garden of Eden to the Tanezrouft Basin.  Spiritually, we are starved for that love, and though we don't have access to the feast we once did, our relationships with one another, romantic or otherwise, is our only way to tangibly access that manna.  

Just to be clear, I'm not saying the love of God is not felt here on earth.  I'm proposing that without our relationships and the love we feel for one another, we would never be able to comprehend nor reciprocate the love God is feeling for us.  The two actions, loving God and our fellowmen, are eternally connected through the whole Plan of Salvation.  Love is the power behind creation, the Atonement, and our eternal progression.  Families are the social structure of the eternities.  There's a reason families are a 'laboratory of love,' and it goes far beyond evolutionary advantage.   

I believe the whole reason we came to this earth is to gain a body, and learn to love one another with that body.  I'm not just talking about sex, though that does play a role.  Imagine how easy it is just to feel love for all of humanity after a good meal.  Now think about how much more difficult it is to show love for all of humanity when you're starving and somebody just asked you for your last piece of bread.  The act of love, again both romantic and otherwise, is a difficult investment of time, effort, and sacrifice.  And like most things, it takes endless practice.  The work required to create and nurture love between two people is both spiritually and physically intensive.  We needed bodies to appreciate, practice, and understand the depths of love those investments can offer.  And, yes, I think that is just as true for romantic love as it is for any other kind.   

As a 26 year old virgin, I wonder a lot about the role of sex in love.  Since I have no experience in the matter, my wondering usually has to rely on the information of others.  Luckily, I have a family who is very open on the subject and always willing to share what they've learned.  Difficult as it may be, I'm grateful for their willingness to put up with my awkward and ignorant questions.  What I've learned from them, and many others, is that the best sex happens when both parties are wholly concerned with making the other person happy.  When selflessness motivates them rather than selfish lusts and passions.  I can see how that would be a very difficult thing to gauge or master.  In the heat of any given moment, I doubt either party is checking their intentions to make sure the affection they are entering into is selfless.  But consider for a moment, the reputation of make-up sex.  I don't think it's a coincidence that at a time both parties are feeling generous is the time they both experience great intimacy.


So how does one reach that kind of connection without the fight?  How do you achieve that kind of intimacy throughout your sex life?  A very smart friend of mine once described sex as "the physical expression of your entire emotional relationship."  She explained that her experience, great sex can be heavily correlated with a selfless, compassionate, and respectful courtship (both before and during marriage).  She discreetly expressed her own observations of how things like patience, respect, and faith played a role in her desire and ability to please her husband and vice versa.  It was an enlightening conversation, and I appreciate her frankness and honesty.  It was a long conversation, but overall, it still always seemed to go back to selflessness.  Everybody I've ever talked to about sex does seem to agree on that.  Well, with the exception of those who are trying to sell something.  

That does bring me to my next point.  Have you ever thought about how much money is spent trying teach people how to get love rather than give it?  It's quite genius if you think about it.  Create or exacerbate an appetite in your target audience, mislead them just enough that they never find satisfaction, and you have a bottomless pit of profit to look forward to.   
      
Just consider for a bit, why do I need 346 ways to convince someone to want me?  Why would I want to 'make someone fall in love in 90 minutes'?  I'm not saying people can't learn a trick or two from those articles, but so often they seem to miss the point.  Selflessness, kindness, patience, and respect is the foundation of love.  Not sex.  Why do we so often ascribe sexual satisfaction as a prerequisite to love, when in actuality, love is the prerequisite to sexual satisfaction?  


Not to demonize capitalism, but I'm pretty sure it's because sex sells.  Get people to think that getting love is the path to happiness rather than giving it, and they'll perpetually gorge themselves on emotional junk food in an attempt to find just a hint of the fulfillment real love can offer.  We are becoming economically and emotionally bankrupt in the attempt to stave off malnutrition, and the irony is, the ingredients for real spiritual nutrition are all there, free of charge.  It's just that few people have ever learned how to create it, and even fewer are willing to work or sacrifice their energies into mastering the task.  The cupboards are full of good food, but we are still trying to subsist on oreos and ice cream. 
 

And just like junk food, that messes with your brain chemistry.  Arousing those sexual and other selfish appetites in the absence of solid, time-tested, respectful love just makes building that foundation more difficult.  At least, in my limited experience, my selfish desires for affection and companionship have done little more than distract me from the work of actually building a foundation of love.  I get the rose colored glasses.  I start seeing them how I want to see them, and disregard things they do or say that challenges my desired vision.  I start wanting and try to manipulate specific things from them, regardless of whether or not it's good for them to give.  I lie to myself and at times to them, in an effort to maintain the 'twitterpation high' those appetites offer when satisfied.  But none of that leads to love.  None of that ever really can.  Marriages that start out this way have rough time trying to reinforce their weak foundations.  So much so, that many start to crack and crumble within just a few years.  Likewise, marriages that once had a solid foundation often cave after relatively short periods of neglect.  Family is a massive weight.  An incredibly powerful and wonderful one, but massive nonetheless.  Unless both parties are willing to buckle down, serve, sacrifice, and work at that foundation continuously, their family falls apart.  And the consequences of that are never pretty.  


But what is the role of sex in that foundation?  Better yet, as we age and become less attractive to one another, what is the role of sexual attraction in that foundation?  All the experts say a healthy marriage requires a healthy sex life right?  So then wouldn't sexual attraction be an essential part of marriage?  Isn't a strong, if not overpowering, attraction requisite to spending the rest of your life with one person?  Why else would you choose to give up the total freedom of the single life if not for something that's so strong it makes you feel like you have no choice in the matter?  

This is probably where I'll start making people angry.  It's not my intention, but I do want to offer an alternative point of view.  So often we ascribe our experiences as "the way things are done," but never really ponder other possible, perhaps better, options.  Since I have no such experiences when it comes to actual love, I have no such attachments, and I'm going to suggest a few things that may reach beyond people's comfort zones.  You're welcome to disagree with me, especially since most of what I'm going to offer is total speculation.  But before criticizing or getting upset, just do me a favor and think about it.  

To illustrate my point, I'm going to go back in time.  It'll take a bit to explain, but bear with me.

My close friends and family know of my affinity to gay men.  Ever since I hit puberty, I have found myself surrounded by them wherever I go.  My involvement in music and drama played a big part in that growing up.  My distaste for arrogant, oblivious, and disrespectful men later in life probably added to it.  Because of my junkie-like addiction to non-sexual affection (hugs, snuggles, etc.) and my incessant need for intimate friendships, I've become quite close with and developed a deep love for many gay men in my life.  They all have such wonderful, perceptive, loving, and compassionate hearts.  I'm pretty sure it's impossible not to love them.

Anyway, from a young age, one of my greatest struggles with LDS doctrine and the church, has been the role of homosexuality in the Plan of Salvation.  Nothing in the plan specifically addresses what happens to a human being who is attracted to someone of the same gender.  Nothing in the plan actually explains how a man with those attractions should live his life.  All that is taught was that same-gender attraction is not a sin (I do believe it to be either genetic or somehow tied to development in the womb), that those who deal with it are loved of God, that they shouldn't act on those attractions, and that sexual activity, of any kind and between any genders, outside of marriage, is wrong.  Also, that building families are a sacred part of our eternal progression, that marriage is ordained of God, and meant to be an covenant between a man and a woman.  As a teenager and even now as an adult, my heart ached for these men, not because I considered them damned, but because I didn't know what to tell them when they asked me how I felt about it.  I had no doubt in the truth of the gospel, and I had no doubt that they were loved by God, yet I couldn't seem to find any peace about this particular subject.

Fast forward a few years, many prayers, and countless conversations later, I'm prepping to give a lesson on Mormonism to a group of would-be yogi's in Rishikesh, India.  I'm going over the Plan of Salvation when it finally hits me: There is no spiritual adoption.  For those of you who aren't Mormon, that probably seems really pointless.  But one of the essential parts of Mormonism is eternal families and the belief that each individual, when married, is capable of becoming like God (who is married).  We believe that one day, we will be able to create our own worlds (with our spouses), populated with the spirit children we will create in the next life (just as God did for us in this life).

Marriage is prerequisite to creating those children, and the laws of the universe require both a man and a woman to create.  The reason Mormons want to keep marriage between a man and a women is because we believe it's more than an affirmation of love or just a contract you sign here on earth.  It's a covenant whose sole purpose it to set you up to become like God and spiritually create other beings for time and all eternity.  It's central to every single other doctrine taught and a crucial part of the purpose of life.  It's never been about discrimination.  We just have a different definition of what marriage is than most.  And since the creation of children is the central tenant of that institution (whether in this world or the next), its composition is meant to comply with the physical/spiritual laws that create children.

So, back to Rishikesh.  It dawns on me, that as much as a man might love another man, he can't create children with him, and would therefore be halted in his progression and efforts to become like God.  God does not do anything out of malice.  The reason He teaches us marriage is the union between a man and a woman is not because he wishes to punish those with same-sex attractions.  He does it because He knows, in the eternities, this is the only union that can create.  Since 'sin' is anything that interrupts our path to become like God, homosexual relationships are therefore considered a sin.  Not because they are dark and evil, but because no amount of love between two men, or two women, can create a child.  And since there's no such thing as eternal adoption, then a homosexual man (or woman) would therefore have to choose between the partner he loves and his eternal progression.

Considering how powerful romantic love can be, that would be an excruciatingly difficult choice.  One that many may choose the former in, and therefore choose to halt their own progression.  And as merciful as I know God is with his children, I also know He deeply respects our ability to choose and halt our progression.  And I think it's why developing homosexual relationships is considered a serious sin, because it leads to us putting at odds two very crucial parts of our progression, love and children.  As much as this broke my heart, it finally helped me understand how a loving God could ask for his children to do something as difficult as forgo romantic relationships in this life.  At the same time, it sparked a whole new hunger to understand eternal love.  The kind of love God experiences with His wife.  What kind of love is that?  I'm assuming it's different from the type he feels with His children.  What is the role of attraction in that love?  Does it even exist outside of these temporal and imperfect bodies? Or is it possible that attraction is just a temporal means of getting selfish human beings to start families so that they can then learn what selfless love is all about?  Is attraction just a product our physical development?  Is it just something that's meant to push us toward creating a family, wherein we learn to love as God loves (and this includes the partner-in-deed kind of love God feels for His wife).

To be clear, I'm by no means advocating for gay men to go find a woman they think they can tolerate and marry them for the sake of getting married.  Honestly, I think staying single and celibate would be an easier and perhaps better option, though still very difficult.  I would just like to make space for doubt about sexual attraction being a fundamental part of our eternal identity.  I personally don't think it is.  I'm betting it's like hunger or fear; all necessary impulses to perpetuate our mortal bodies, but with glorified and eternal bodies, they are no longer impulses we feel.  I'm sure food and sex would still be enjoyable (Well, I'm obviously not sure about that just yet).  But either way, the more I learn, the more likely it seems that all the weight we put into attraction is largely...overrated.

My time in India only added to this.  India is one of the few places that still regularly practices arranged marriages, even amongst educated and developed classes.  Once you get to know a few people who have been together for several decades from an arranged marriage, you see the framework of love they've built for their family.  It doesn't take much exposure to make you start questioning the western model of romantic marriage quite a bit. 

I remember the first time I talked to a woman who was married to a total stranger.  Horrible sounding on the surface, I remember being captivated by the love she expressed for her husband.  In fact, through those kinds of conversations, I've actually had to repent of my condemning perspective on arranged marriages.  Yes, on a grand scale, there is your fair share of miserable couples, but I can't say there's any more than in the self-chosen 'love marriages' I've seen.  What amazes me is just how solid some of those arranged marriages are.  It's as if without the roller-coaster of hormonal courtship, these people gain a view of one another that is more clear than many self-proclaimed soul mates.  They also are conscious and deliberate in their decision to love the spouse they're given, and it's amazing how much deep and genuine love they manage to perpetuate throughout their lives.  If nothing else, it seems vitally important to consider that the deliberate decision to love someone may be even more powerful than the natural attraction you might feel for them.

I think this is one of the greatest strengths of arranged marriages.  Many feel like love happens to them, that they don't choose it, or that they can't help their feelings for another.  So likewise, when love goes, they can't help that either.  I've long been suspicious of this claim, because in everything I've observed, all things worth while always seem to require conscious choice.  You may be completely infatuated with someone, adore every bit and morsel about them, but at some point, you have to consciously decide whether to love them forever or not.

Many don't make this decision while things are good and the euphoric feelings of love are strong.  Rather, they wait until things are so bad, that choosing to love this person seems impossible.  They sever and discard salvageable relationships with hopes of a better future upgrade.  So often, we are amputating relationships that could be healed with a renewed investment in the basic principles of love: faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.  

Bringing that concept back to the world of attraction, if you talk to any couple who has been happily married more than 30 years, the vast majority don't have sex with their spouse because they are intensely attracted to them, but rather, because they love them and are strongly attached to them.  That attachment is what fuels their sex life.  Helen Fisher, one of those 'love experts' has done several studies on the difference between sexual attraction, romantic love, and long-term attachment, and this is what she's found.  Take it with a grain of salt, but she did a study in 2005 that agrees with many things I've found in my observations.  In brain scans, the part of our brain that signals lust/libido lights like a Christmas tree for the first 12-18 months of a relationship, but then quickly fizzles out.  The part that signals romantic attraction lights up longer, but slowly starts to fade after only a few years.  In contrast, the part of the brain associated with attachment (a region responsible for feelings of peace, safety, and unity) develops more activity as time and the relationship develop.

As to what makes up the kind of love that exists after 30 years of marriage, my observations (and Dr. Fisher's) definitely point to attachment (the healthy kind).  In one of her later studies, Dr. Fisher found that this region has a more powerful effect on behavior and long-term perceived happiness than either of the other two.  So why do we spend so much time obsessing over and trying to find that short term high?  Why do we put so much weight in attraction when it's only going to last a few years?  

Perhaps that's counter-intuitive to most singles, but it makes sense though doesn't it?  What's sad to me, is how often singles, in an effort to gain the favor of the opposite sex and experience the thrills of attraction, compromise more promising attachments for faster and more...exciting...options.  And when so few people are educated or experienced in what makes a more promising/healthy attachment, it's not surprising.  Qualities like 'committed, responsible, kind, nurturing, humble, etc' are rarely sought after until experience teaches of their value.

This is where I wish to make a case for romance.  Real, enduring, romance.  The kind of romance that can't be captured in the flowers and sonnets, but rather the kind that's created through sleepless nights with sick children.  The kind that's created while the one they love holds their hair back during morning sickness, or holds their hand while they wait for bad news.  The kind of romance that encourages and supports during the most unromantic times of trial.  The kind that reminds us of our own divine nature and potential to become like God.

Through all the chaos of courtship, contentious children, and convoluted human perception, every truly happy and healthy couple I've watched always seem to have a decided amount of mutual respect and interdependent attachment.  What they build that respect upon varies widely, but however they did it, they both have a deep and developed understanding of who their spouse is, and just how amazing they are, and how amazing they can be.  They feel lucky, if not privileged, to be with that person.  They have a sense of unity, trust, and mutual survival instincts, like two soldiers going into the battle of life. 

And, like any good soldier, each is more concerned with protecting than being protected.  That mutual selflessness pays off, and they know that together, they'll be able to conserve their energies, weather those storms, conquer threats, and endure countless hardships.  And I don't think it's because they just feel so attracted to and giddy about the other person.  No, both of those things fade over time, and I think they are meant to fade over time.  As we push past and work through the drama of our every day lives, each of us is striving for some kind of peaceful and uplifting equilibrium (aka happiness).  That equilibrium becomes more achievable and even more fulfilling when both members of a marriage desire it for themselves and one another.
    
That's a powerful bond, and I wonder if that's the kind of love we should be searching for more furtively in all of our relationships.  Imagine how strong a network of friendships, families, and marriages would be if everybody involved had a heartfelt respect for one another and reliably loved and supported one another, no matter how difficult it may be.  Imagine how protective and powerful those attachments would be.  I may not be an expert in love nor marriages, but I have been incredibly blessed to be a part of such a vessel.  I can testify to the incredible resilience and safety of such a ship.  I've seen the kinds of storms it can endure and it endows me with the courage to take on whatever challenge life may bestow.

I've also watched my siblings and friends start to create their own ships.  I admire and acknowledge the amount of seemingly unromantic compassion and respect that's required for those vessels to sustain the children they've gone on to create.  I think this is why, at least to me, respect and kindness are the basic building blocks of true romance.  When things get rough, I don't need flowers, I need someone who is going trust and support my ability to make decisions.  When I'm discouraged, a sonnet will not serve me as effectively as someone who can see and remind me of who I truly am and what I'm capable of.

I don't desire the emotional roller coaster.  Haha I'm getting too old to enjoy that.  I desire to respect someone so much, that I can trust them with my vulnerabilities, my choices, and my life.  If I ever get the chance to find it, I hope to do everything in my power to nurture it.  If I ever get the chance to have children of my own, I hope to teach them that as well.  I hope to teach them a version of 'the birds and the bees' that illustrates not only what sex is, but what it can be.  I hope to teach them to look past the glitz, glamor, and selfishness of what most media portrays as love.  I hope to teach them to enjoy, but also see through the thrill and stress of attraction and dating.  Maybe then, they will make wiser marital choices and stronger families.  Maybe then, we will start to access the infinite depth and possibility of human love.  Just maybe...  

Disrespect and Evolution.

So I spent most of this week in Suva.  I left Monday evening for a meeting with some illustrators at USP (University of the South Pacific) and pitched the illustration contest to them for the diabetes book I wrote.  Tomorrow we'll be picking our winners and finishing up our rough draft of the book.

I also met with the head of the dance department to get started on the Zumba video (FINALLY!).  It was a good meeting, but I can tell the director is really wanting to make this a publicity opportunity for himself and his dance team.  This means I probably won't be helping choreograph as much, nor will I probably be in the video's (both of which I'm kind of happy about), but my job is going to be finding music and giving an outline of what the workout should entail.  More than anything, I'm just excited to get to work on this and be involved with these talented and creative minds.  I think it will turn out very nicely.

While I was in Suva, I also met a bit with the mission president and his wife.  Turns out, the mission president's wife is Tacy's (one of the girls that came to Suva with me) grandmother's sister.  Small world once again.  She invited us to dinner the first night in Suva, and then had me over for a cookie-baking afternoon later that week (where I made about 16 dozen crack-cookies)  I was so impressed by this woman.  She's genuinely nurturing, talented, and incredibly wise, but also spunky and fun.  We talked about music, politics, and her children mostly, and it was an incredibly enjoyable afternoon.  I love meeting those kind of people.  I always walk away feeling so....uplifted.  I'll probably be back there next time I go to Suva.

I left Suva Friday afternoon.  Saturday afternoon, I met the the relief society sisters in our ward to give my nutrition lecture.  I taught them the basics and also how to read a nutrition label.  It seemed much more applicable with this audience because they actually have access to sweets and processed foods, and lack the space to grow all of their own fruits and veggies.  I did see the effect as well.  There were a lot more diabetics and hypertensive people in this meeting than any other meeting I'd had thus far.  It was a good opportunity for me to brush up on the NCD portion of my lecture.

And then, last night, we went to the carnival in Lautoka.  It was probably the most dangerous thing I've done since I left the States.  The rides all had to be about 40-50 years old, and, in order to provide the desired thrill, were all run faster than they probably should have been.  The Ferris wheel spun so fast the drop was a free fall.  While I was riding the scrambler (really fast spinny thing), the money that was in my bra (haha had no pockets) somehow managed to end up on the floor by the end of the ride.  It was nuts.

After getting our fill of adrenaline rushes, we decided to check out the dance clubs in Lautoka.  Russ and a few other YSA people came with us.  We were some of the first people to show up, but the DJ was nice enough to provide us with some familiar music, and we made the most of it.  I haven't danced that much since I left Thailand, which seems like forever ago.  We stayed for just a few hours, but I think our timing was perfect.  I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I don't really care for Indian men.  Yes, there are exceptions, but the majority I've interacted with are incredibly arrogant, vain, rude, and shockingly disrespectful.  They're also cowards though, so for the first few hours we were at the club, they mostly left us alone.  Once they were drunk enough to approach us, they were drunk enough to be a huge annoyance.

One guy kept grabbing my arm to dance with him, even though I was already dancing with someone else.  He was so persistent about it, I stopped dancing all together and gave him the biggest death-glare I could muster up.  That worked, and he left me alone after that.  It's just such a contrast to the peaceful and incredibly respectful nature of most Fijian men I interact with.  I just feel so bad for the Indo-fijian women who are having to marry (often by arrangement) and raise children with those men.  Rough as the dating scene may be back home, at least I don't have to deal with that.  Part of me hopes that as the arranged marriages become less popular, Indian men might actually figure out how to treat women well.  If not, I hope those women choose partners that treat them well, and evolution takes its course.

Don't Stop Believin'

The dust has settled, and things are looking up.  All in all, we had 9 members of our team go home.  Most were in reaction to some rather inflamed and perhaps unfounded fears spread by other members, some didn't have a choice in the matter, and some felt they would just be better off going home.  A few of the second wave of volunteers also decided not to come and ended up switching countries last minute.  So in total, we now have 15 instead of the expected 27.

That might seem discouraging, but honestly, it's probably for the better.  15 is a much more manageable number (especially when it comes to food, housing, and project purposes).  Also, everybody here knows they really want to be here, so there's plenty of oomph and enthusiasm to go around.  The first few days after the second wave arrived, we spent time covering and planning out different projects.  It was a good time and it gave me a chance to get to know all of the new girls coming in.  It's an incredibly different group, and though I'm a bit sad I don't get to see group 1 interact with group 2, it's also probably saving myself and others a lot of drama, so I can't be too sad.

One major difference is our new country director.  His name is Arturo, and though he's not Candice, I can tell he's a competent man and will do the job well.  He also seems to get along with Katherine much better, which means their communication much more clear and effective.  This in turn makes project planning and scheduling much more fluid.  Long story short, the Help team has become kind of a well-oiled machine.  From the day the new team arrived, everyone has been able to use their time well and get right to work.

Another difference is our house. Because of the landlord situation, we had a hard time finding a new house. He definitely blacklisted us in Lautoka (told all the other major landlords we were kicked out for noise complaints), but luckily, we did find a woman willing to rent out the top part of her house to us. It's a very different set-up in a very different area of town, but there seems to be more space, and that's a big plus. This is a view from our porch. I definitely can't complain.




Because there was only 3 of us that stayed from first wave, and because I was the resident food woman, I decided to help out our directors and pretty much took over all of their domestic duties. I made up the chore chart, got things organized and stocked, and educated everyone on how food, meals, and cleanups worked.  This, combined with my age (still the oldest volunteer), bossiness, and overseas experience has dubbed me "Momma Cherie."  The funny thing is, I don't really mind it.

Lets face it, amongst all these greenies, I feel pretty maternal.  It's hard to describe just how maternal I've become though.  After my week with Annie, I definitely stepped things up in terms of my leadership role.  During the first wave, I just kept looking for someone to lead me.  Someone to show me how to do what they wanted me to do.  Candice did help me out in that department, but she had 12 other people to worry about, so I wasted a lot of time waiting and complaining about the lack of leadership and direction.  After that awful week, I just decided I was done waiting, and with Candice leaving, I felt a void in leadership that basically sucked me into a leadership position.  I felt comfortable enough with the culture and the projects to kind of take my own lead, but what I didn't anticipate was how many people would look for me to lead them.  I've basically become a volunteer country director, and have been trying to fill in those gaps in leadership I previously perceived.  Most of those gaps seem to center around just taking care of the volunteers - both emotionally and physically, and helping them to function more smoothly and efficiently with one another.  I've done this to such a degree, that one of the girls who arrived late actually thought I was a country director for almost a week before finding out I'm just another volunteer.

And I'm not saying Katherine and Arturo are bad directors by any means. Arturo really is a great director and a lot of fun to work with.  I'm just seeing areas that I can help out with, and rather than complain about the directors not doing it, I just try to take care of it.  The nice thing is, I think I've proved myself to Katherine after the incident with Annie, so for the most part, she has stopped talking down to me and just lets me do my thing.  I think it's a big part of why things are going so much smoother this wave.  My mom has often told me she found the best way to get the best out of me is to just get out of my way.  I'm not sure what kind of person that makes me, but I can definitely see the truth in it.  In the last couple weeks, I've felt my understanding, my vision, and my capabilities expand exponentially.  Perhaps it's in part because of the time I was able to spend in the temple last week.  Either way,  I feel like I kind of 'get' Fiji now, and how to do what I want to do, both in house and in the villages.  I think that's another reason people keep calling me "Momma Cherie."  Because besides trying to take care of their basic needs around the house, I've also somehow become the problem listener, the planner, the advice giver, and the negotiator.  Haha it's kind of exhausting.

Crazy thing is though, I think I'm enjoying it.  I feel incredibly grateful for what God is allowing me to do here and how much He has enabled me to do it.  In fact, it kind of pumps me up for when I get to be Momma Cherie for real.  I'm excited to 'play house' with my OWN house and spend my time teaching and helping my children figure out how to live happy and fulfilling lives.  Obviously, I've got a few major steps to take before that's possible, but I'm excited for when the time is right.  Spending time in the villages, where family really is the focus of every one's life, helps too, and is a great example to me of what my goals should be when my family does come to fruition.

My time with Annie has helped me focus my perspective too.  She's just such a wonderful person.  When I talked to her, my perspective just became more clarified and hopeful.  I feel pretty safe saying I've added another sister to my lot.  I am one incredibly blessed person to find such wonderful souls everywhere I go.  I don't know what I did to be blessed in such a way, but there's no way I can express all the gratitude I feel for it.

On a less sappy note, here's the update on my projects.  So I've been visiting the villages around Tavua this week to give nutrition lectures and schedule meal appointments for the next time I come around.  Tuesday, I met with the women of Balata and then had dinner with Irene (president of the Gold Foundation) and her husband while she shared her knowledge of Fijian and Indo-Fijian culture.  She also gave me her background and how she got to be the director of one of the most successful women's empowerment groups in Fiji.  She truly is a fascinating person, and I can tell she has a lot of faith in me.  Again, I think I have Annie to thank for that, because Irene saw my ability to keep a cool head in a very high stress situation.  I'm pretty sure that's what made her warm up to me, because before that she seemed somewhat skeptical.  Either way, it's been great to work with the Gold Foundation.  Besides giving me the chance to give my lectures to the women of these rural villages, they are also taking my lecture and broadcasting it over the radio this weekend.  They have been so helpful in getting the word out about non-communicable diseases, not to mention all the other work they do for the women of Tavua.


While visiting one of the villages, Arieta (the Fijian woman at left) was gracious enough to spend hours explaining different Fijian customs and cultural quirks.  It was great to get such an insiders perspective to go along with my collection of observations. The people of Fiji are truly amazing. Fijians have such a strong commitment to family and family responsibility, and it's beautiful to see how those commitments have bolstered up society. For example, in Fijian culture, children born out of wedlock or to parents that don't want them, just go to another family member.

The laws here make that a pretty easy thing to do because it's so commonly done.  I stayed with a woman a few weeks ago who had 4 children, most of whom was born to her husbands niece.  I've heard many stories of children going to grandparents, aunts, uncles, and/or cousins in situations where the parents were not living up to their responsibilities.  What this does is make the foster care system pretty much non-existent.  There's one orphanage in all of Fiji.  It's well run, and well funded, (probably because it's the only one), so those who really don't have any other options are still being well taken care of.  It's kind of neat to see how that all works together.

So besides bugging Arieta about her country and culture, I also spent a few evenings with Irene and her family.  We actually ended up doing kind of an Indian cooking class with Irene and she taught us how to make potato curry, pumpkin curry, tomato chutney, and roti.  Roti is the Fijian (originally Indian) version of a tortilla, but made very differently from the Mexican tortilla.  Hopefully I'll be able to master it so I can show you all what I mean when I get home.

Side note: I've thought about doing an international dinner (maybe potluck?) when I get back - or maybe another mocktail party. If anybody has any preference they should let me know.

Anyway, after dinner with Irene, I had a fascinating conversation with Romaine (her husband). Romaine (we call him Papa) is a diabetic, or at least was diagnosed with diabetes several years ago. But after talking with him about his glucometer readings, I started wondering if Romaine might have been misdiagnosed. The more he described his condition, the more it sounded like hypoglycemia to me. The scary part is he's telling me sometimes his blood sugar dips down to 30-40, and that's just dangerous. So I told him next time he meets with his doctor, to tell him what he told me, and to avoid taking the medication prescribed to him unless his sugar went higher than 110. Considering it's rarely ever that high, I'm curious to see if he was just hastily misdiagnosed as a diabetic because he had high blood sugar right before going into surgery 5 years earlier. It would also be useful to know if docs are over-diagnosing diabetes and inflating the statistics (the ministry of health reports 40% of Fijians are diabetic so it wouldn't surprise me if they are).

That might also become part of the book I'm writing on diabetes if it is, though I think the information I've already written would probably help someone determine if they've been diagnosed correctly.  I've written the book as kind of a comic.  The hope is that it'll be fun and dramatic enough to stick in people's minds. Amputations are rampant here because so many people leave their diabetes undiagnosed or untreated.  It's tragic because Fiji is not handicap friendly.  Someone without a foot can be severely limited in their mobility and productivity, and that usually just leads to further diabetic complications.  My hope for the book is to get the word out and reduce the amounts of these problems.  I'm heading to Suva to meet with the World Health Organization to pitch the book and see if they want to publish it.  We also have some meetings with an illustrators group and the Fiji Diabetic Foundation.  Hopefully, we'll get their approval and get things published asap.

Oh, and this weekend I'll start taking my nutrition lectures into the urban areas of Fiji.  I'm going to meet with a few Relief Society presidents to see if they would let me come to an activity to teach basic nutrition.  I actually have one of those lectures scheduled this weekend in Lautoka, but I'd like to expand the base to Suva as well because nutritional habits tend to get worse in more urban areas.  It's going to be a busy week.

Not to worry though, I'm still finding time for a little bit of play here and there.  Thursday night, we checked out the Lautoka cinema scene, Friday night there was a fundraising dance for the youth of the ward, and that pretty much included anyone from age 2+.  It was a lot of fun, though they did play one particular song 6 times in the 2.5 hours I was there.  The crazy thing is, everybody got excited about that song every time it was played.  By the 6th time I decided I was done simply because I couldn't stand to hear that song one more time.  Haha after I left, they played it 3 more times.  I'm glad I left when I did.

The morning after the dance, we all headed to Natadola beach for a day of sun and salt water.  The Intercontinental Resort on Natadola actually leaves itself open to locals as long as those using the facilities buy a meal, so we set up shop there.  It was a pretty amazing day.  We started out just playing in the huge waves and trying to avoid getting hammered into the coral below.  Later that afternoon, Stephanie (another volunteer) and I went for horseback ride on the beach. It was supposed to be just a 15 min ride, but with a little confusion and a lot of flirting, we got them to take us out for a hour.  I haven't ridden a horse in over 10 years, and riding barefoot in a swimsuit isn't exactly easy, but it was a great ride.

The rest of the afternoon and evening, we made use of the pools and awesome lounge chairs within the resort (which as you can see, is about 10 ft away from the beach).  As I enjoyed these incredibly nice facilities, my mind kept wandering around the subject of money.  I watched the obviously very wealthy guests of the resort. I studied the work put into keeping the resort nice.  And at the end of the day, I think I've decided that while I can appreciate and enjoy what people can do with money, I think I care less for what money does to people.  In a strange way, it makes me grateful that I get to use those facilities and not have to deal with the stress of living a life that makes those facilities requisite.  Natadola is probably one of the most beautiful beaches in Fiji, and is a free to anyone and everyone who wishes to enjoy it.  It was another reminder to me that while humans can create incredibly appealing things, some of the most magnificent beauty we will ever perceive are far outside man's creative capacities and will forever be completely free.  Like, for instance, this sunset.

All in all, the Intercontinental is a great resort, and I do hope to go back there for future days off, but it's nice to know I can be just as happy in a village hut with no running water as I can lounging next to an infinity pool overlooking one of the most gorgeous beaches in Fiji.  It may not be as comfortable, but I've definitely come to understand that comfort does not necessitate happiness.  In fact, I rather wonder if it just distracts us from figuring out what happiness is.  Thank you Fiji for teaching me the difference, and giving me the security of knowing I can always be happy, whatever my surroundings may be.  Thanks to my friends and family who have helped me learn what happiness is.  And thanks to God for giving me the opportunity to figure that out.

Where Can I Turn For Peace?

For the first time on my trip, I don't want to write this post.  In fact, I've been dreading it now for about 3 days.  I didn't know how to explain what has happened here in the last week.  I don't know if I understand it much myself.  In fact, if it weren't for a series of sensationalized and oddly inaccurate stories being put out by ABC4 news, I would probably have avoided addressing the topic all together.  It's not my story to tell, and I feel very hesitant to offer my own version, but since a few people seem more concerned with blame and fault than accuracy and truth, I almost feel a need to offer some sort of objective information to my concerned friends and family.

So here goes....


Last week, my directors met with our landlord to discuss getting our deposit back after decided to move to a bigger house.  The one we were in wouldn't hold 27 people, so it was necessary to move, but the landlord was incredibly upset by our decision to move out.  Legally, we could move whenever we wanted, there was no contract, but I think he was mostly upset by the fact that he had managed to extract a large amount of rent out of us for that house, and knew he probably wouldn't be getting that kind of price out of anybody else.  That's guess #1.

Anyway, Katherine and Candice went to meet with him and the real estate agent.  Candice had a bad feeling about going, and didn't want to get in the car with the man because he was upset.  Katherine told her she could meet them there, but that she didn't feel endangered and was going to go with him to make sure he showed up to the meeting.  Candice decided to get in the car, and that was her choice, but was very upset about it.  And again, she felt threatened even then.

What happened at this meeting is the first of the he-said-she-said problems that arose.  Candice got into a verbal altercation with the landlord.  There was a lot of yelling between Candice, the landlord, and the real-estate agent.  It's another guess, but I'm betting Katherine was overwhelmed by all of it, and in an effort to kind of check-out, she started trying to speak with one of the real estate agents, kind of tuning out the argument between Candice and the landlord.

And here is where things get sticky.  Candice says she was threatened directly by the landlord.  That he made threats to harm her.  Katherine did not hear those threats.  Candice left the meeting, trying to get Katherine to come with her.  Katherine did not understand why she was so upset, and decided to try and resolve the rental situation at hand.  I'm guessing Candice assumed Katherine heard the threat, and was disregarding her safety and the volatility of the situation.  Considering how much those two have struggled to have accurate communication in the past, it wouldn't surprise me if that's what it was - a total breakdown in communication.

Either way, Candice came home crying and incredibly upset about what happened.  Understandably so.  She felt threatened by a very intimidating man, disregarded and disrespected by her co-director, and probably frustrated with herself and the situation for things getting so out of hand.  Now, here again, is the he-said-she-said.  Candice called Help and told them she was having problems with Katherine and about the situation at the real-estate office.  Help told her to not make it public with the rest of the team.  Whether they were saying not to make the threat public or to make the fracture in Katherine and Candice's relationship public, is kind of the current debate.  Communication breakdown #2.  Either way, nobody addressed the argument with us, but Candice did tell me what happened with the landlord.  I wish I would have gotten a direct quote out of her now because I think it would help me better understand what happened, but it's a little late for that, and probably futile in the grand scheme of things.

So that evening, we all sat down to dinner.  Hilary, the same girl I expressed concern about earlier, was absent.  Kylie informed us that she was at the internet cafe just down the road and had 40 minutes or so left on her time, so Kylie left her there and came back by herself.  One more problem that shouldn't have happened.  In the Help handbook it specifically tells us that we should not be going places alone, but rather keep it to groups of 2-3 or more.  In daylight, many of us had disregarded that guideline.  A few of us would go on runs by ourselves, I'd go get bread from the hot-bread shop down the road by myself, and a few others would go to the internet cafe alone or come back alone as well.  Granted, the internet cafe was pretty sketch after dark, and most people didn't like going there alone.  But it's not far from our house, and I'm guessing Hilary didn't feel it would be a problem to walk back by herself that night.

Unfortunately, it was a problem.  A very very big problem.  After dinner, Hilary had still not returned, and Candice and I went to look for her.  We stopped by the internet cafe, but they said she had left almost an hour before.  Trying not to panic, and hoping she was just walking around talking to her mom or boyfriend on the phone (something she has done before), we walked back to the house to see if she was wandering around there.  When we still didn't see her, we decided to walk to the other side of the lot and see if she was over there.  She had taken us on a walk that way one evening, so it seemed quite possible.  This also happened to be in the direction of the police station, so when we didn't see her in the first half of that loop, we decided to head there.  The idea was at least we could get a patrol car and more efficiently try to track her down.

When we were just a few hundred meters away from the station, we got a call from home that Hilary was home, and had been attacked.  Candice and I started booking it to the police station, reported the attack, though we had no idea to the extent, and at the same time, Candice decided to file a report about the landlord in case they were related.  The police took us back to the house, talked to Hilary and Candice, and I called the US Consulate to report the attack.  The next morning, Hilary and Candice headed to Suva to meet with the consulate security.  The consulate sent the FBI into Lautoka to investigate, and advised the team to get out of Lautoka for the day while the investigation was going on.

It took about a week to get the story on what happened to Hilary.  The details of the situation still seem a bit convoluted, but essentially, 3 men grabbed her on her way home, she's pretty sure by knife-point, took her to a dark and rather deserted area of the lot, beat her up, molested her, and attempted to rape her.  Somehow she got away, and ran back to the house.  It's amazing to me that she wasn't killed, and miraculous that she wasn't raped.  But she fought them, fought them the whole time, and I'm so happy that she did.  Not only because it probably saved her life, but because I know she's going to have a rough road trying to recover from this, I hope he feels empowered and strong because of it.

As for the investigation, it sounds like the FBI thinks we're safe in Lautoka.  I'm currently in Suva, but I'll get to that story in a bit.  While there is currently no evidence linking the landlord to the attack, many people, including some of the officers, believe that they might be related.  If they are, then certain legal issues arise.  Should the team have been informed about the threat?  Who should have informed them?  Is it Help's fault that Hilary wasn't informed of the threat before going to the cafe?  Is it Hilary's fault she disregarded the Help handbook and walked home alone?  Either way, I don't really like it, and it feels like some people are channeling their anger about the situation into how Help should be held accountable for it.  I just don't trust anger - in any direction or form.  I don't think it's going to help Hilary heal, and I don't think it's going to help the people of Fiji and various other countries where Help is invested.

If Hilary does feel like she needs to take action against Help, that's definitely her prerogative, but based on what little experience I have with those who have been victimized and abused, I doubt it's going to help her cope with everything.  Putting the guys who attacked her behind bars might, but I'm not sure this blame game with Help is going to make Hilary's healing any easier.  It won't serve the people of Fiji, nor will it bring peace to any members of the team, worried about their own safety and potential problems in the future.  Perhaps I just don't understand the objective of making Help responsible for the team not being informed, but it feels like some people are just swinging punches, hoping to make contact with somebody they think deserves it.  And the drama that has arisen from it is palpable...thanks especially to ABC4 news and their awful sense of journalistic integrity.

For those of you who saw the story, I'm sorry you had to find out about things that way.  As awful as the story is in reality, the report isn't exactly accurate.  I could name 4-5 major discrepancies between the report and reality, which make me think ABC4 is more concerned with sensationalizing and pointing fingers at Help than providing an objective account of what happened and whether or not parents should be worried about their children's safety.  Like I said, the FBI says we are safe to stay, so I'm not worried about it myself.  My plan is to keep working on my projects and not going anywhere by myself anymore.

Anyway, after arriving in Suva and meeting with the consulate, Hilary and Candice flew back to the states.  The pretense under which they flew back seems to now be perpetuating drama.  Help gave a couple of different accounts, which makes them look like they're trying to hide something, but I'm not really sure as to what.  Maybe they are trying to legally cover their tracks, maybe they are trying to keep info on a need to know basis for other reasons, or maybe they're just confused themselves by all of the different accounts and stories going on right now.  Criminalizing Help doesn't do me any favors, and I've decided I have enough on my plate right now that that part of the drama is probably not worth worrying about.

You see, as if Hilary's attack was not enough, one of our other girls had a potentially fatal accident about 36 hours later.  Anne and Annie were paired up as a team to go and teach music education in one of the villages near Tavua.  After waking up early, they went for a walk, and happened upon what apparently was a very cool tree, and decided to climb it.  Anne was about 20 ft up when she called down to Annie to join her up there because there was a break in the branches that made for a beautiful view.  Annie moved up to join her, and on the way a branch she was pulling herself up with broke.  Gravity did what gravity does, and on the way down she was knocked unconscious by one of the branches.  In hindsight, this probably helped her immensely because, besides slowing her fall down, it also made her body go limp, which may have saved her from more complicated injuries.

Either way, she was out for about 5 mins, pretty bloodied from the branches and the fall, and I'm sure Anne was absolutely terrified.  She did come-to, had some minor amnesia that subsided as the became more coherent, and was taken to the local hospital in Tavua immediately.  In case I didn't have enough appreciation for western medicine and modern healthcare before this incident, I do now.  Tavua is a small town surrounded by several small villages.  Tavua hospital is really nothing more than a building with several small, rather grimy rooms and one doctor.

When I arrived at the hospital, I was terrified for this girls life.  If she had any brain hemorrhaging or internal bleeding, there was nothing we could do, and no way we could know about it until it was too late.  I called a helicopter service to see if we could move her to the private hospital in Suva (the only hospital on the island that even begins to meet western standards), but before booking it, wanted to check with the doctor to get her assessment.  She felt like Annie was stable and that the best move would be to send her to Lautoka hospital for X-rays and CT scans.  I was satisfied with that, especially since moving her to Lautoka would only take an hour and moving her to Suva would take 3.  We had hear rumors about the sketchiness of Lautoka hospital, but they had CT's and X-rays, and sketchy as it may be, the machines might be her best ticket.

So we moved her to Lautoka, got the X-rays done and her chin stitched up, and found out that the CT scan was down.  Ugh...yeah apparently that's not uncommon, but it sure was frustrating.  The doc checked her for a concussion a few times, but due to her coherent nature and normal pupil activity, decided it was only mild.  The X-rays showed that she had 3 pelvic fractures, one of which they couldn't tell how serious it was, and since the main orthopedic doctor wasn't there, they decided to admit her for the night.  The next morning, the orthopedic doc came in, said the same thing, that he couldn't tell how serious the pelvic fracture was, and when we asked him to do a CT, they THEN informed us that it would be down for the whole week and it wasn't possible.

Well, Annie needed more information than that.  She needed to know how urgent it was for her to get home, and with no CT scan, we had no way of knowing if she had a break that should be surgically treated in the states, or if rest and relaxation was the only prescription and a flight home could wait until she would be able to endure it more comfortably.  After hitting one dead end after another, we finally got her to Suva to get the scans done.  And I'm so glad we did.  We got the CT scan of her head and pelvis.  Her head is fine (big phew), and the main fracture in her pelvis wasn't involved in her joint and was actually quite stable (another big phew).  A few of her wounds had become infected because Lautoka didn't feel they merited stitches, so the doc in Suva gave us some better bandages and antibiotics.  Thank goodness too, because Annie had been puking up the other antibiotics.

That was Friday, and since she got the all clear, Annie and I got to go to the temple on Saturday.  That was definitely the highlight of my week.  The session I was able to attend was full, and I felt so strongly of the faith of those in the room with me.  I then got to spend some good time reflecting on the events of the week, assess what my next move should be, and found some much desired peace about whether or not I should be staying in Fiji.  I also got to participate in a sealing, and it was a really neat experience.  It was me, a few Tongans, and some Fijians.  Despite how different everybody looked and even the different languages spoken, it was nice to be reminded that we are literally, all part of one big family.

After getting out of the temple, I got home and was immediately hit by the dramatic aftermath of Hilary's attack.  With Annie being my focus for the last few days, I somehow managed to miss most of it, but it did catch up to me.  Without wanting to get in too deep, I decided to make my trip into town and pick up my phone.  Oh yeah, also forgot to mention I dropped my phone after Annie got her CT.  Luckily, or should I say thank God because I'm pretty sure he's the only reason I got it back, the woman who took my phone home had a change of heart and wanted to return it to me.  She said after she took it home she felt a strange need to make sure I got it back.  I'm incredibly glad she did because it had all the numbers of doctors and contacts I had made.  And I guess it was another good reminder to me that as crazy as things get, God still has influence over his children and can inspire them to do the right thing.  I definitely needed that.

So the current situation is this.  I'm still in Suva with Annie and will be until Wednesday.  That puts us in Suva longer than we initially planned, but I'm not complaining by any means.  It has been a wonderful experience to take care of Annie and get to know her better.  She is truly a wonderful woman and I've been truly blessed by her attitude and perspective.  In many ways, she's a lot like Olya, but also has many things in common with Ani (more than just their name), which if anybody knows me, knows how partial to her that makes me.  Either way, I think we'll be able to enjoy ourselves the next few days.  We both want to catch another session at the temple, get some stuff at the distribution center, and get some souvenier shopping done before Annie flies back home..  We'll be headed back to Lautoka on Wednesday, Annie hopes to train the second wave on her project Thursday, and then take the weekend to say goodbye to everybody before she flies home.  I'm going to miss her dearly, but I'm glad I've had the time we've had together.  It's been uplifting and inspiring at a time I really needed some uplifting inspiration.

As for myself, I've got lots of planning and prep to start working on again.  I now have a better idea of what to cover with the women around Tavua, but I'm also going to look at expanding the reach of that project to include the women in Lautoka and other areas.  I feel pretty good about what I'm going to be doing, and that's what has helped me decide I need to stay here until August.  Despite the rough start, I think things are going to go very well with this project.  It's been made very apparent to me that I've got a powerful ally, and for that I'm grateful.  If any of you are wondering what you can do, or feel a desire to support me, you can click that link up in the corner that says "Help Cherie help Fiji."  Just remember to put my name in the designation box.  Otherwise, your love and prayers would be greatly appreciated.  I love you all, and hopefully I'll have much less to report on next week.

What dreams may come...and stay.

Good news!  I still like food.

So this week I've been planning out my nutrition lessons for the different villages.  I've spent most of my days reading the latest studies on metabolic disease, diabetes, obesity, and of course, nutrition.  I've been hunting down healthy recipes, trying out a few here and there, and assessing what kind of healthy options are available here on the island.  I've been making handouts, meeting with partners, and trying to figure out a schedule that works with Kylie (one of the other volunteers) and her project on exercise.  Tomorrow morning, I head into the villages to officially get started.  Wish me luck.

Amongst all the prep work though, I received a very comforting confirmation.  I really like this stuff.  I love reading about the cellular biology behind metabolic disease.  I love researching the nutrient content of foods I've never heard of.  I even got a kick out of planning out the logistics of my project proposal.  I love food, and I love the human body.  Learning and understanding more about how those two things relate to one another is fascinating if not completely enthralling to me.  Doing all this work here in Fiji is totally psyching me up for grad school.  Huzzah!

Not to worry though, I did take a break from my nerdy indulgences and went for a hike on Saturday.  Hiking in Fiji is amazing, but kind of a beast.  It involved hopping in the back of a truck to travel to a village at the base of the 'trail.'  You pay the village to hike on their land and if you want, pay for a guide to take you.  With 10 of us and no GPS, we opted for the guide.  His name was Joe, and he had the feet of Bigfoot himself.  We hiked to two waterfalls in the area and then back to the village.  This was the mountain we climbed. 

It was about 4-5 miles total, over VERY rough terrain.  I got a few cuts and scrapes on my legs and feet, as did most of our party.  Joe did it barefoot and came out without a scratch.  He also managed to scale a mandarin tree like it was an escalator, just so we could have some fresh mandarins with our lunch.  I'm telling you, this guy was amazing.

Trekking in the jungle of Fiji is definitely beautiful and definitely isolated.  When I asked our guide what the main income of the village was (because there's no way it looked as nice as it did just from the occasional hiker), I was informed that kava and marijuana are easily grown in the area and both sell for a very high price (fyi, weed is illegal here too).  The variety and wildness of the terrain was quite curious, and it doesn't surprise me that they could hide any crop they needed to.  It's the first time I've seen palm trees growing next to pine trees, and there were several trees that looked like they belonged in the Amazon.  The views were spectacular, but the best part of the whole experience was playing in the 200-250 foot waterfalls.  Just an amazing experience. 





The rocks were a kind of lava stone, perfect for boulder climbing stacked like loose legos.  We spent a couple hours just exploring the area, scrabbling over the rocks, enjoying the pressure and taste of the waterfall.  The water was refreshingly chilly and formed a nice pool at the base, perfect for cannonballs and other tomfoolery.  After 4 hours of hiking in jungle humidity, it was a perfect ending to a fantastic day.

In case I haven't said it yet, I'll say it again: I love Fiji.