Just Remember...Beeeeeeee Yourself

The tally is in.  I have now lived with 62 different women, by the end of the summer, I'm pretty sure I'll be hitting 70-75.  This has probably been one of the greatest challenges and blessings of my life.  It has allowed me to get to know numerous amazing women and also many who struggle to see how amazing they are and/or could be.  It has given me a pretty clear picture of what kind of people I work best with and has also given me great practice in working with those I don't click with easily.  Living with all of those women has helped me get to know and become more comfortable with myself.  It has forced me to stare down my own insecurities and address things in my habits that probably should be adjusted.  With each individual, I have learned something new about myself and developed something I wanted to make a part of myself.  Each of those individuals has brought light and clarity to my perspective.  Some formed large portions of that picture (shout out to my soul sisters) while others did an amazing job of adding depth, color, and accents to views already formed.

I have been incredibly blessed to have the chance to live with those individuals, and I think one of the greatest gifts they have given me, collectively, is security.  That may seem odd considering the high turnover rate having 62 roommates requires (I've moved 14 times), but I'm not talking about the kind of security one experiences from things never changing.  I'm talking about the kind of security you can find once you accept that things are always changing - and that with God supporting you, they can always change for the better.  It's a great faith/hope builder, and also a great source of strength.  It's that security that keeps me calm amongst the unpredictable waves of life.  It's the strength that allows me to 'just keep swimming' when I'm not sure where to go next.  I owe more to those individuals than any of them could ever know (and not just because they somehow managed to survive living with me).

But this new group is a different kind of batch.  For the first time, I'm living with women who are much younger than me.  The average age of the 10 volunteers I live with is 20.  It's a fascinating dynamic to be in because I've never seen it from the older point of view.  It's interesting to see how they are addressing the same issues I dealt with just a few years ago.  Some amaze me by just how far ahead of the game they are, while others I feel more concern for because I know exactly where their particular brand of thinking leads.  Some have an impressive amount of independence and self surety, while others seem to really struggle understanding what all they have to offer.



One girl in particular, I think about a lot.  She's a strong personality; outspoken, direct, and very social.  She's a definitely a perfectionist and therefore incredibly talented, driven, and intelligent.  There's just something just a little off.  After the first week, I noticed that her interests kept changing and shifting closer to mine.  I started seeing a pattern that seemed like she is trying to use me as some sort of role model without any clue as to what kind of role she's looking to fulfill.  (fyi - I'm not okay with that)  She just graduated in political science, aced the LSAT, but didn't want to go to law school.  She also happens to have two men at home incredibly determined to marry her, and doesn't know which to choose.  Every life choice she has been trying to make seems to be an arduous and impossible process.

It's an early assessment, but I'm starting to see how she has no idea what she really wants.  Based on how she adapts her interests and passions to whomever she's around, I'm betting neither of the guys waiting for her have any idea who she is either.  Watching her drama is like watching the movie Runaway Bride.  I guess I think about her a lot because I see how precarious her situation is.  She has so much going on it's hard for her to focus on who she is or what she actually wants.  She's distracted by all of her possibilities, and therefore ironically blind to which of those possibilities she actually wants.  She's tortured, but she doesn't understand what is torturing her or how to find solace.  She's not the first person I've seen in that kind of a situation (goodness knows I've been there myself a few times), but it's still difficult to watch.  I just want to shake her and tell her to slow down, spend some time with herself, and figure out what she wants before trying to choose from what's available.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Otherwise, things are going well and moving along nicely.  We met with the World Health Organization Tuesday and Wednesday in Rakiraki (this is the sunset there).  We helped them train the headmasters of local schools on how to make strides toward a healthy schools policy.  It was an enlightening meeting and I understand much better now how Fijians structure their food habits.  My job with WHO will be checking in on the plans these headmasters came up with and help them troubleshoot any problems that might arise.  One of the most shocking things from the meeting was seeing just how uncreative these men were.  I was forced to come up with as many questions as I could think of just to get one idea out of them.  Getting answers to those questions was very helpful to my personal project brainstorming, so all in all it worked out well, but I can see how any progression in Fiji is going to be a long, slow, and arduous process.


One other project I'm going to be working on with WHO is creating a Zumba workout video for the South Pacific.  Saula (the head of WHO in Fiji) wants me to create some dance routines with a south pacific flavor so that he can market them to the older (and incredibly inactive) Fijians.  We also talked about making other videos, one for young adults and one for children.  After our meetings we actually did a little Zumba and I loved seeing how excited these old educators were to dance.  Needless to say, I'm incredibly excited about this.  Hopefully I'll be heading to Suva either this week or next to get started. :)

So besides WHO, I also started working with an organization called PRISM.  It's a group that travels to the villages around Lautoka to provide basic health screenings, nutrition and exercise advice, and as of recently, gardening tips (gardening being a form of exercise the women will actually do).  It'll be a good precursor to what I want to do working with the Gold Foundation for Women's Empowerment.  I also took it upon myself to start shopping for our house's food this week.  I think it's pretty safe to say, it's going to be a busy summer, but the latter responsibility seems to be necessary.  It has become apparent that our country directors are not used to thinking about how to feed 15 people a day, let alone how to do it nutritiously. One of the directors has a really hard time knowing how and when to spend money and many people have expressed frustration by how often we run completely out of food.  We'll see if I can keep the mutiny at bay a little better.  

Oh, I almost forgot.  After our conference with WHO, we decided to spend the night in Rakiraki at a backpacker resort nearby and celebrate Tacy's (one of our team members) birthday.  We invited Saula, Ben (director of Fiji's Ministry of Health), as well as Tikiko (director of the Ministry of Education) for dinner to further discuss possible ventures for other Help volunteers.  It was a fantastic dinner, and I pretty much used the whole time to pick Saula's brain clean.  To celebrate Tacy's birthday, I made a TimTam Slam cake.  With the help of the resort staff, this is how it turned out.

The best part of the night was definitely teaching these men how to do TimTam Slams.  Ben, an incredibly manly and huge Fijian, was hilarious about it, and Saula and Tikiko definitely enjoyed them.  It was a great time with plenty of good laughs.  Who knew partying with distinguished old men could be so much fun.  It's going to be a good summer.

My Theory of Right and Wrong

"Placing a spoon on your nose every morning for 20 mins prevents you from getting cancer."
"What?  No it doesn't!"
"Yes it does.  Do you know anybody who has done it that got cancer?"
"No...but..."
"That's because it works.  My aunt, who is a herbalist, says so."

My friends, my family, and my countrymen, today I'd like to speak on truth.  What is it?  How do you know when you have it?  How do you know when you don't?  Well, I don't have all the answers to those questions, but they are questions I've been asking for a while.  What I've come up with is a convoluted mess of gray possibilities.  A gray that only differentiates into black and white when you individually look at each pixel, each person, and the truth they perceive.  But what determines if something is right or wrong?  Who decides what right and wrong looks like?  Are there any absolute rights or absolute wrongs? 

Before I go much further, I do need to state one thing just to be clear.  I do believe in right and wrong.  I do think there are laws in the universe that act the medium for right and wrong to exist.  Laws that extend beyond the tangible world and laws that have and will exist, literally, forever.  Those laws are the embodiment of truth and offer the framework by which right and wrong can be differentiated.  Those laws do not change with culture, creed, time, or language.  Understanding of those laws will change as much as the moods of an adolescent teenager, but the laws themselves are as eternal as eternity itself.  Like understanding particle physics, an understanding of these laws enables us to do more and to become more.  Also like in particle physics, there are many aspects to these laws that we do not understand and have much more to learn about.

Like the law of gravity, I don't think we can choose which of these laws to live under.  You may hate gravity, even resent it, but you can't escape it (nope, not even in space).  It's in every molecule that exists in and around you.  In a very real way, it's utterly essential to your very existence.  And just resenting gravity and it's effects does nothing for you.  It does not, because it cannot, go away.  So what choice do we have then?  If we can't control the forces that affect us, what power do we have?  Well, just like the glory of God is intelligence, our power comes from knowledge and understanding of those laws.  The more we know about those laws, the greater ability we have to make choices that will result in a desired consequence.  Think about gravity.  The more we know about gravity, the more we can use it to our advantage.  Our greater understanding does not change the law, but it does change our ability to find joy, satisfaction, or a given desire while living the law.

The way I understand things now, right and wrong are bi-products of that knowledge and those choices, and that applies both physically as well as spiritually.  A wrong choice is a choice that acts in opposition to the law at hand, and a right choice is a choice that acts in line with it.  A example of a 'right' choice might be something as seemingly amoral as a humans choice to stand upright or take a step.  Some would call it overcoming gravity, but we aren't defying gravity in any way.  We are just using our understanding to take advantage of the structure that law offers.  We are living and acting according to the law. 

How does one make ever make a wrong choice then?  Here's where things get difficult for me.  If the laws are omnipresent and eternal, how does one act against them?  Well, I'm not sure they can, but I think the 'wrong'ness occurs in our attempt.  A wrong choice would be choosing to step off a building (unequipped with any propulsive device) and defy gravity.  The consequence of that wrong choice (and I would argue, every wrong choice), is that you will fall.  Gravity will act on you whether you want it to or not.  Whether you believe it exists or not.  It does not care if you did it for noble purposes.  It does not care if you did it for love.  It will accelerate you toward the ground, and the impact will either hurt or kill you.  But gravity did not hurt you.  You did.  You chose to act, or perhaps it's more accurate to say you chose to attempt to act, against the law.  So while we can choose the choice, we cannot choice the consequence.  Because we don't make the laws. 

So what is right and what is wrong?  Simply stated, right is an act that is in line with the law, and wrong is an act that attempts to bi-pass, ignore, or work against the law.  Unlike our human laws, these laws can't be argued with or changed.  They don't have sympathies, and they don't have friends.  They act on everybody equally, and are perfectly just in their nature.  How well you understand and use those laws determines your happiness and your success, or, if you so choose, your eternal demise.

This applies with both physical and spiritual laws.  After all, they are of the same body and the same origin.  They are the laws science, the laws of the universe, the laws of God.  But God did not create them.  He lives by them, but is not controlled by them because He too has choice.  Being perfect, having perfect knowledge, and knowing exactly what right is, he never chooses to act against those laws, because that would be wrong.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it's those laws that make him the all-powerful being He is.  His perfect understanding of those laws is what allows him to create, organize, know, and act in all the ways He does.  But God is love, and God loves His children, who are still very ignorant of those laws - at times to the point of self destruction.

I think it's why He needed His Son to perform the atonement.  Because while gravity may not care if we fall and hurt ourselves, God does, and He needed a way to help His children learn those laws with the possibility of choosing to not being destroyed by them.  He needed a force that could act against the force of death and destruction - both physical and spiritual.  It's the atonement that allows us to buffer ourselves from the consequences of wrong choices.  It's the atonement that allows us to choose 'right' at any time, and not be hit with the full weight of our previous wrong choice.  It's the buffer that saves us from ourselves and settles those demands of justice.  To use my previous example, think about what would happen if somebody did step off the building.  Gravity acts.  While plummeting toward the ground, they have a change of heart.  They decide to believe in gravity, to live by it's precepts and never step off the building again.  God wants to give them the chance to make that choice, so He uses the power of that atonement to catch the falling body, and give them another chance to live the law.

Like the properties that act as the root of gravity, love is the root of the atoning force that allows for God to counteract the force of justice.  It's why love is so powerful.  It's why we are taught to love God and love our neighbor, because that mercy is our only hope, and the more we cultivate it in our own lives, the more power He has to use it to buffer the consequences of our human ignorance.  And since we are all human and all ignorant - we all need it.

Likewise, what happens when the person steps off the building, initially feels the effects of gravity, but then after hitting terminal velocity, has convinced themselves they've done it.  They have overcome gravity.  Whether they're aware of it or not, gravity is still acting on them, and the consequence will catch up to them eventually - even if it takes a while.  Their ignorance will cost them dearly.  This is where that mock-convo at the beginning of this entry comes into play.  Like the person convinced a spoon would protect them from cancer, humans are really good at convincing themselves of things that simply do not line up with the laws of the universe.  And look at what it's gotten us: poverty, abuse, isolation, depression, anxiety, disease, etc and no end in sight.  I think it's pretty safe to say, ignorance is the #1 cause of suffering in the world - probably the universe.

What I wanted show with that intro is something big I have learned about truth over the years.  One, truth is always in line with truth, and if two truths are not syncing up, you need to deepen your understanding of both.  Two, when learning truth, try to learn from those who know truth and, even then, always check your sources.  Why?  Because people can be awful sources of education on truth, science, health, peace, and/or happiness.  Whatever the reason, there is a TON of misinformation out there about how to live, feel, and find joy.  Like the speaker with the herbalist aunt, many are just full of bad info.

My time in Thailand and India taught me this on a whole new level.  One example: While navigating a new city, it wasn't uncommon that I would get utterly lost, at least once.  When I asked for directions, I was flat out lied to about 60% of the time.  This became very frustrating to me because I could not for the life of me understand why they would give me bad directions.  What did they have to gain from deceiving me?  The more this happened, the more I realized that it was rarely done in malice or deceit.  Many just didn't know but didn't want to leave me hanging, or those that did know didn't know how to communicate it very well (or I just couldn't understand them).  Likewise, think about the many children who are lost and asking their parents how to be happy, but the parents don't know themselves, so they give bad directions in an attempt to just give some direction.  The children go in that direction, then get frustrated because happiness is not achieved, then look elsewhere and find more direction from an ever-present media, other lost people, etc, only to get more frustrated after realizing it was also bunk.

Many are satisfied with their understanding because they trust their source.  The herbalist aunt must know what she's doing, she's an herbalist.  Yes, there are good herbalists out there, but perhaps an oncologist would be a better source.  And even if an herbalist were the authority on cancer, there are good herbalists, and some that are complete loons working completely from old wives tales and rumor.  How do you know which one your aunt is?  This is a classic problem for humanity.  How do we know who to listen to? 

Sometimes I wonder if that's what makes living this life so difficult at times.  Because there is no simple way to learn the laws of the universe.  Like particle physics (which is only a minute portion of those laws), it takes a great knowledge of lesser laws and lots of experience to ever understand what those universal laws are.  It involves trying to digest those infinite laws into the finite human understanding.  Something that makes it so none of us will come to a perfect understanding in this lifetime.  But the more we know, the better off we are, so it's worth the investment of our time.  And while we may not ever understand all the possibilities of these powerful laws, we can learn and take advantage of the basics, and save ourselves from the consequences of ignorantly jumping off buildings.

Alright Stop.....Hammer Time

Bula Vinaka!

So I built a house.  Well...kind of.  Really, I just spent several hours climbing rafters and hammering in nails at really weird angles.  I've got the bruises and blisters to prove it. :)  The first day we arrived we got to work building Rotohome houses.  They are a part the Koropita community development project and is closely affiliated with Habitat for Humanity.  It's a planned community project, developed by the local Rotary club, meant to provide housing, food, and education for the numerous squatters/homeless people in Fiji.  Many of these people have been trapped in poverty caused by the typically disastrous hurricane season.  They build shacks for shelter, the shacks get destroyed by winds, then they have to use all their surviving resources to rebuild the shacks that will get destroyed by the next years hurricane.  These houses, though simple, are strong and incredibly nice.  They withstand the hurricanes and still provide it's tenants with all the necessities of indoor plumbing, running water, and of course, shelter.  It's environmentally friendly (carbon neutral) and food is provided by the tenants own gardens.  Here's a pic of the community.

 
But the really impressive side of the project is in the social engineering.  Peter Drysdale is the man behind it all, and he has had decades of experience dealing with impoverished populations.  He grew up in Fiji and first encountered the squatter population when he was a young man working for the Queen's civil workers league.  He went from there to Oxford and now owns one of the main shipping companies here.  What he has managed is a remarkable balance of giving people a hand up without offering hand outs.  Through many years and several hard earned lessons, he has found an impressive social structure that manages to help the impoverished while protecting those in poverty from their own socially and economically destructive habits.  

He does so by keeping the community under very strict control.  There are 19 pages of rules each person agrees to upon moving in.  Part of those rules is mandatory employment and improvement trainings, education for their children, and numerous other rules directed at keeping the property self-sustaining.  Peter spends hours evaluating each incoming tenant to make sure they can fit in with the balance instead of disrupting it.  He has found a 70:30 ratio of Indo-Fijians to Native-Fijians works best to keep peace, and meets with each candidate personally to figure out where to place them such that they will get along well with their neighbors.  Those who do cause problems or breeches their 19 page contract can face possible eviction, but Peter has a process before that occurs.  First, he tries to talk to them.  If they are not home (usually because those in breech are trying to avoid him), he cuts the bolt off their lock and replaces it with his own lock.  They must then come and find him to get into their house, and that's when he confronts them with whatever issue is at hand.  After many warnings and no repentance, eviction may occur, but for the most part, the housing is such a good deal for the tenants that they usually work something out.

The main problems Peter faces at this point is 1.) How to get people employed and independent enough to move out on their own and away from the community, and 2.) Who is going to replace him (he's in his late 60's).  Considering he has literally given his whole life to this project, that will be tough.  He has tried to fend off the generational dependance by not allowing any of the children in the community to start their own family there, but rather give them the education they need to trek out on their own and start a life independent of their parents and Rotohomes.  This has worked pretty well thus far with the upcoming generation, but their parents still find it very difficult to figure out how to stand on their own two feet.  It's an interesting look at the nuances of poverty.  Not only what causes it, but what perpetuates it.  It makes me more and more sure that the solution to poverty is incredibly complex and yet totally individual in nature.  That the solution to it is somewhere in teaching the new generation, at educating them and showing them a better way than then 'traditions of their fathers,' then allowing them to choose and work for themselves at figuring out what kind of life they want.  It's a rough understanding, but it's an improvement. lol

So other than the Rotohomes, we've been meeting with different partners throughout the week to set up different projects around the island.  FRIEND is one of those groups and it has a division called Prism that travels to all the different villages and does basic medical check ups (taking stats, handing out pamphlets, etc.).  Another partner I'll probably be working with is the Gold Foundation.  It's a women's empowerment group that focuses on a lot of gender issues.  Healthy habits is one of those - and that's where I come into play.  I'm planning a project where I'll be going into the villages and working with their women's groups, teaching them the basics of nutrition.  I'm also hoping to have time to really learn how they cook and then be able to make suggestions for small progressive improvements.  Non-communicable diseases are the main cause of death in Fiji now, so I'm thinking this will give me great experience for my grad work in the states. Next week we'll be meeting with the World Health Organization and I'm quite excited to see what our options will be with that too.  One of the directors has suggested teaching Zumba to all the villages and is looking for somebody to help out with that - needless to say I'm hoping to jump on that boat. 

We did play a bit this past week or so.  Tuesday we got home from meeting with partners to a house filled with propane.  I walked in the door, smelled the propane, and told everybody to get out of the house pronto.  I checked the gas stove in the back and found the hose had come loose and had been leaking all day.  We turned off the tank, opened the windows, and got out of the house as quickly as we could.  Everybody else congregated right outside but due to my upbringing, I was not coming within 20 feet of that place.  So I walked across the street and advised the others that they may want to follow.  One of our directors went for help while another tried to have a meeting on how to write project proposals (right next to the house).  She tried to coax me into joining for the meeting but all I wanted to do was scream, "Do you really think this is an appropriate time OR an appropriate place to have a training??"  I once again suggested that they move away from the house, but to no avail.  When the other director returned, she helped move people away from the house and called the Fire Department.  This is us waiting outside our house for them to arrive.

The fire dept came in, tightened the hose, and then advised us to stay out of the house for the next several hours.  They suggested that we attend a safety meeting offered at the firehouse, and then recommended a good place to go get dinner.  I relaxed once we got away from the house and really enjoyed rest of the evening.  It turned into a nice break from the constant project focus we've been swimming in.

The next day, our directors had a surprise for us.  Apparently, one of the resorts offered to let us use their facilities (pool, beach, restaurant, etc) for $5 each.  So we had one last day of intensive training...in paradise.  It turned into a great day.  The cool water of the pool felt incredible and switching back and forth between warm ocean and cool pool was a nice contrast.  The food was also incredible and all in all, we got a lot done.  This is where I got to do my brainstorming and project planning. :)  Awesome right?  I was able to work out my project ideas with both of our partners and team up with another girl in the group wanting to focus on exercise.  After our training with the WHO next week, I think I'm geared up and ready to go.  I'm getting to do amazing things with amazing people.  What more could I ask for?

So I think that takes us up to date.  I guess I should wrap up my time in New Zealand.  That evening in Queenstown the rain did clear for a bit, so I took a gondola up to the top of the adjacent mountain and got some great shots of just how beautiful that place was.  While I was up there, I decided to have some fun and ended up taking a luge ride from the very top around the side of the mountain.  This is the shot I got from there.  This place is just stunning.

After the luge ride, I watched a Maori culture show and even got to practice poi-ball with them.  Haha the operative part of that being 'practice' because I was pretty awful at it.  Oh well.  The men then did the Haka and explained a few things about Maori culture.  All in all it was a good show.  Afterward, I poked around the gift shop and indulged in some really yummy hot chocolate (perfect for 45 degree mountain weather if you ask me).  After dark, I headed back down the mountain.  The next morning, I begrudgingly said goodbye to Queenstown.  In the words of a certain cyborg assassin, "I'll be back."

My last day in Auckland it rained much of the day again.  In between spurts, I did manage to hike up to one of the local volcano's.  The town surrounding it had a very Lawrence, Kansas feel so I walked around a bit there too.  That evening I headed to the Auckland Skytower.  I wasn't planning on doing it, but because of the rain, my options were again limited.  It's $30 to get to the top and that just didn't seem worth it to me.  Luckily, I had a very informed hostel manager who told me if I went to the Orbit Restaurant (rotating restaurant) just above the viewing deck and spent $40+ then I would get a ticket to the viewing deck for free.  This made it much more enticing, and so for my last meal in New Zealand (the next day I was reporting to Fiji), I had an incredible lamb dinner (lamb is to New Zealand what beef is to Texas).  I've never had lamb before, and I'm still not much of a red meat person, but it was delicious.  The next morning I caught my flight to Fiji, and the rest is history.  

G'days From Down Under

(written last week, never got to post because of internet issues)

Kia Ora everyone!

Sorry for the delay.  I'm currently writing from Queenstown, New Zealand.  Queenstown has some of the most spectacular outdoor scenery I've ever seen.  It's close to Glenorchy which is where Lord of the Rings was filmed.  Unfortunately, it has decided to rain today - all day.  So my list of 4-5 things I wanted to do here has been reduced to 1.  I suppose it's a fortunate, though forced, break though.  A LOT has happened in the last week, and it's good to get it written down. 

I suppose I should pick up where I left off.  On my last day in Chiang Mai, I went to Tiger Kingdom.  This basically consisted of me petting, playing with, and learn about tigers for a few hours.  Best...day....ever.

I got to snuggle with baby tigers.  They are ridiculously cute.

 

Tigers like to get their belly scratched.

 They also like to swim.

And pose.  This was one of the largest tigers there.









After the tigers I packed up and caught my flight to Bangkok.  Bangkok is a crazy place.  It's a huge city packed with people, pretty much body to body all the way across it, and I'm pretty sure 90% of those people are actively trying to sell you something.  It's chaotic.  I did take advantage of the environment of consumerism and spent the hottest part of the day exploring the 3 HUGE (air-conditioned) malls.

This is one of those malls.  There are 7 levels in total.  It was kind of overwhelming to the senses to see just how much stuff there was to offer.  I also was not in need of anything, nor did I have room to pack purchases, so after watching a fashion show and burning out on window shopping, I decided to catch up on my American cinema.  I watched The Hunger Games and The Avengers.  Neither disappointed.  One interesting tidbit.  Before each movie, everyone stands and pays tribute to the king as they play this almost awkward movie montage about how great the king is.  It had 'I may be king, but I'm just like you - and I'm wonderful' written all over it.  Blatant propaganda.  It was interesting.



In spite of the 95+ degree heat and intense humidity, I did do some touring in Bangkok.  I went to the temple of the reclining Buddha (Wat Pho) and Wat Arun with one of the girls I met at my hostel.  Wat Pho was huge, and the reclining Buddha was only a small part of it.  Well...maybe not so small.  Either way, it took a couple hours to cover the grounds.  After which, we crossed the (very dirty) river via ferry and climbed to the top of Wat Arun.  The climb involved steps that felt more like climbing a ladder, but it was worth it for the view.

That night I went salsa dancing at a bar on the roof top of a rather upscale hotel in downtown Bangkok.  The view was a nice addition to the great music and amazing dancers.  I was rather impressed by the overall skill of everybody there.  I didn't get to dance long, but I'm glad I was able to make it and enjoy the breeze/view.  That was my last night in Thailand.  Overall, I really enjoyed it.  Because I lived with so many Japanese for so long, I felt like I got to explore two countries for the price of one. I'll miss the food, especially the mangoes, but once again, the timing felt just right.  By the time it was time to leave, I felt ready for the next stop. 

The next day I flew out to Sydney.  My first day in Sydney was literally, a breath of fresh air.  It had been months since I had smelled such cool, clear, and odorless oxygen.  My lungs and my heart rejoiced.  They continued to rejoice as I took the Manly ferry to Manly island.  Manly island is absolutely gorgeous.  It's quiet, quaint, and very clean.  I spent most of the day walking around the island, enjoying it's beaches and the cool but sunny weather, breathing as deeply as I could in an effort to clean out my lungs.  It was the perfect way to rid my psyche of Asia's chaos.

That night I walked around Sydney and checked out it's local music scene.  They had some spectacular bands and t reminded me a LOT of Boston - specifically Cambridge.  A mixture of architectural styles, a clean, but quiet environment, and everything is expensive.  A bottle of water or pack of gum is about $3. Any meal, no matter how meager, will cost you $10.  Taxi's...haha make New York look cheap.  I guess this is because, in Australia, the unions rule, and now they have an $14/hr minimum wage.  But despite the higher salaries, wealth doesn't seem to shift much.  The wealthy live close to downtown and it's all very clean and nice, those who can't afford it (1bd 1bth apt - $600,000 - 1,500,000, so most of Sydney's population can't afford it) use the spectacular train/bus system to make their way into work.  The other areas of Sydney likewise resemble the less-nice areas of Boston.  It's a great city.

My second day in Sydney I took a tour of the Sydney Opera House.  It was neat to get some history on such a spectacular structure.  One factoid: They planned on it taking 3 years and 7 million dollars to complete.  It actually took 25 years, a new architect, lots of unexpected drama, and 102 million to finally finish.  But in the end, I suppose it was worth it to have it finished.  After all, it is one of the 7 wonders of the world.

With good reason too.  I went to see Mozart's Requiem that night and it was simply phenomenal.  The Lacrimosa movement had me in chills the entire time.  I also met a lovely 18 year-old girl named Morgan that night from New Caledonia.  She was my seat-mate and incredibly friendly.  We actually ended up going salsa dancing together that night.  We talked quite a bit about a variety of very deep and spiritual topics.  She kept mentioning how she craved the opportunity to talk about this stuff.  It made me feel very grateful to have the friends and family I do, because I know that feeling of craving depth and spirituality.  I told her about the church and funny enough, her best friend is Mormon.  She asked me to send her the address and info in Sydney so that she might be able to check it out.  I invited her to join me Sunday, but schedules got in the way, so I promised her I'd hook her up, and she was incredibly grateful.  I guess she's been having a hard time in Sydney, and is need of some friendly, encouraging faces.  It was great to meet her, hopefully it's not the last I'll see of her.

My Sunday in Sydney was just what I needed.  It was fast Sunday, and it was nice to be able to understand the testimonies.  The YSA out here is very tight and it's a fun group of people.  One of the girls offered to take me to the fireside that night, and I had a chance to chat with a few people I didn't meet at church.  They were an older crowd, so much more my style.  I think it's safe to say that if I ever had to live in Sydney, I wouldn't mind.

Monday morning I flew to New Zealand.  Just flying into Auckland, I knew I was going to like this place.  The patchwork farmland spotted with green mountains and perfectly deep blue ocean was a pleasant sight to fly into.  Immediately after I landed, I went the harbor for what turned out to be the best date of my life.

Ok, so it wasn't a date, but it's a fantastic date idea.  Usually there's more people, but because it was the end of the season, I was the only one signed up to kayak that evening.  So it was just me and Nic, the main instructor/owner of Auckland Sea Kayaks.  He's 28 and a lot of fun (shorter than me - go figure...).  He is really enthusiastic about his company and incredibly accommodating.  He took me to one of the local beaches where we geared up and set out for one of the islands in the bay.  Kayaking on open ocean is quite the experience.  It also happened to be very windy that day, so we were sharing a kayak.  He took me to one of the beaches across the bay where we went for a hike to the top of this bluff overlooking the city.  We watched the sunset, got some candid shots with the antique artillery, and headed back to the beach where he had dinner waiting.  After some delicious tomato, basil, and feta risotto, we hopped back in the kayaks and paddled back to the city.  The stars were bright and he pointed out some of the uniquely southern constellations.  It was pitch black besides the stars and the stunning glow of the city.  Nic was a great conversationalist and it was fun to listen to his Kiwi accent.  When we got back to shore, it was pretty late, so Nic dropped me off at the door of my hostel.  It was a great night...just funny to me how date-like it was.

5am the next morning (this morning) I headed to the airport for my flight to Queenstown.  Tonight I'll be heading out with some Israeli girls I met.  Apparently they just finished their service in the military (all citizens are required to do so), and wanted to travel before heading to school.  So they've been here for a few months and have been great guides thus far.  Next week I'll be writing you from Fiji, but I'll give you a wrap up on New Zealand then too.  Till then! :)

To stand is human, to dance...divine.

Whew!  I'm done with my therapist training course.  Trying to finish that off and live it up my last week in Chiang Mai has been...exhausting.  I've tried to fit in as much dancing, massage, markets, and good food as one human possibly could in 7 days.

Tuesday night I went salsa dancing met a Russian girl named Natalia and a fun Cuban guy named Reuben.  Reuben was not only fun to dance with, but fun to discuss politics with.  The best moment was probably when Natalia was talking about Russia and Reuben mentioned how their countries used to be great friends so they should be friends too.  Then they both looked at me.  I couldn't contain my laughter, but Reuben generously added "Yeah, I know...but we can still be friends."  The whole experience just made me think of the beginning of a joke.  "So, a Cuban man, a Russian woman, and an American Mormon walk into a bar...."  I'll let you create the punchline.

As is to be expected, I asked Reuben how he views his own country and culture.  Namely, what is life like for your average Cuban?  Though he was exiled to Miami when he was younger, the majority of his family is still in Cuba, so it was nice to have an experienced perspective.  He explained that because of the way the government works (dictatorship), people live a life of extreme emotions.  Family is a big deal (partially because they have nothing else), so while they may be happy and enjoying their family one day, the next they'd be crying because another one of their family members went into exile or was arrested.  As he explained to me the problems Cuban people face, it was interesting to hear how much passion he has on the subject.  It made me think of a quote from Castro's sister. "My brothers Fidel and Raúl have made it an enormous prison surrounded by water.  The people are nailed to a cross of torment imposed by international communism."  I guess it's just another testament to the power of freedom.  Whatever that means to you personally, try not to take it for granted.

So Wednesday, I dedicated to shopping and prepping for Chihiro's goodbye dinner on Thursday.  I promised Chihiro that I would make her dinner and crack cookies to celebrate her graduation.  This is her helping me make the crack cookies that evening.


Not wanting to spend my whole trip fund on this dinner, I decided to go to the Thai supermarket to do my shopping.  I've been grocery shopping before, but only at the local markets and the very touristy and expensive supermarket.  This supermarket was a whole new experience.  It was the Thai version of Walmart - a giant Tesco.  It was really interesting to see the similarities and differences.  I was able to navigate it alright, but almost everything was in Thai, so I was grateful for clear packaging.  They organize things very similarly, though the content was definitely a different variety.  Luckily for me, noodles, tomatoes, and basil are easy to come by here, so I decided to make my killer good spaghetti.  The most difficult part was navigating the meat section.  Thai people buy and sell meat in a disturbingly open environment.  I have a hard enough time with the smell and look of raw meat as it is.  Knowing what grows on it in open bins at room temperature just makes matters worse.  I was able to accrue some packaged ground beef for the spaghetti, but I still cooked it veeeeery thoroughly - just to be sure.  Shout out to the USDA:  I know you and I have many differences of opinion, but I'd like to send my thanks in this regard.  You make grocery shopping less nerve racking and less nauseating.

As you can see, the dinner I made Thursday night turned into quite the feast.  I made the spaghetti and crack cookie dough (still no oven), one of the guys from school made okonomiyaki and yakisoba (Japanese), and some of the teachers made tom yum kai, kangkung, and some fish balls (seafood version of a hot dog).

The awesome food plus some of the drinks brought by the schoolmaster put everybody in quite the boisterous spirit.  We just talked for a while, but Julie (the French girl on the left in green) was feeling sassy and when the subject of dancing came up, tried to imitate my style of dancing for all to see.  Though I admired her efforts, I think it's safe to say French people struggle with hip hop.

While I was about to pass out from laughing, one of the girls started playing Waka Waka by Shakira on her mini-speakers.  Feeling a slight need to restore my dance reputation, Julie and I ended up in some sort of improvisational dance-off that eventually involved the whole table (even the headmaster).


After about 2 hours of trying to teach Japanese people how to pop, lock, and drop it like its hot, our party dispersed and somehow I convinced Julie, Mimi (bottom left), and Chihiro to go salsa dancing.  Mind you, I was a mess already.  I had been at school all day, cooked all evening, danced all night, and with the weather being humid and about 90 degrees...well....lets just say I was gross.  One of the nicest things about travel, is that you really don't care too much about that since you're not really out to form any lasting impressions.  By 10:30pm, we were in a tuk tuk and bound for salsa.

Being quite pleased with my Tuesday experience, we went to the same place.  When we got there, we found a group of about 5 Japanese people trying to learn how to dance salsa.  Incredibly convenient right?  More importantly, one of them knew how, and after enlisting me as his partner, we did what we could to teach.  I wish I could tell you the name of that guy because he was really very good.  In fact, he was probably the best asian salsa dancer I've danced with thus far.  But, I have this really bad habit of not getting to know anybody I dance with unless I actually sit down and talk with them (like I did Reuben and Natalia).  That goes for just about everyone I dance with too, so it's not personal.  For instance, that same night, I danced the last two bachata's with a gorgeous Scotsman (tall, broad shoulders, dark curly hair, dark eyes, and of course...the super hot accent), and I never even thought about getting his name.  Oh well...I guess it's just how I roll.

By Friday morning, my body felt like it had been hit by a truck.  I somehow still managed to teach yoga, but by the time massage class was over that day, I was feeling pretty shot.  Thank goodness I'm in Thailand, where massages are about $7 per hour.  It being our last day of classes, Eriko and I ended up making an evening of it.  Painful as it was (and usually is for me), I think it's safe to say I will miss them terribly. 

Saturday was my big day of tourism.  Mimi (short for Miwako) decided to join me.  I really like Mimi.  You can tell she's kind of an odd duck for Japanese culture, and she has confirmed to me that this is true.  She's opinionated, outspoken, and very spunky, so it's obvious why I like her.  She used to be a middle school teacher, but has decided she'd like to go into massage therapy and get a job in Hawaii at one of the resorts that caters to Japanese people.  One of the coolest things about Mimi, is that she's been to 20 different countries, and she's only 25 years old.  She's not rich, but she's curious, loves experience, and has a boyfriend that works for Swiss airlines, so she travels cheaply, but effectively.  She fluent in both French and English, and also doesn't drink, so it's nice to have her around when the others do drink and therefore lose their already rough English skills.  Spending the day with her as tourists was quite enjoyable, and I hope we can continue to be travel buddies in the future.

Anyway, Saturday.  So we started the day off with a drive up to Mae Taeng where our first activity for the day was the chance to float down the river and even guide a bamboo raft.  The funny hats were provided.

  
Next up we went to see an elephant show.  We watched them play soccer, paint pictures, and build a dam.  I've always like elephants, but this experience gave me a whole new appreciation for their intelligence and gentle, but playful nature.  Each one had it's own distinct personality, and it kind of reminded me of having really really big, smart, and strong Great Danes.  We also got to play with the elephants, climb up on top of them, and feed them.  My favorite moment though was when one of the mahouts gave one of the baby elephants the command to kiss Mimi.  The elephant was small, but so was Mimi, and watching her face as this trunk totally enveloped her mouth was possibly one of the funniest things I've ever seen.  I tried to get a picture of it, but I guess I was too slow.  This is what I got instead.

 
Still pretty good, but not the money shot.  Oh well.  After all the fun and games, we ate lunch at the camp (where they served an incredibly yummy massaman curry), and went for a ride on the elephants.  Watching how flawlessly those giant creatures navigate narrow mountain pathways just sealed the deal for me.  I want an elephant.  And if that can't be done, then I'll have to keep coming back to Thailand to visit.  Either way, elephants are awesome.  I'm not sure which I like more, elephants or tigers.  But I'll be headed to tiger kingdom tomorrow, so I'll have to let you know next week.

After the elephant camp, we went to a long-neck village nearby.  This was a fascinating and perhaps a bit depressing experience.  Little history on the long-necks.  They originated in Burma, but came to Thailand as refuges.  In order to earn their keep, they allow tourists into their village (for about $10/head) to gawk at their customs, take pictures of/with them, and purchase their hand-made wares.  Though most were very friendly, and the tourism does keep their way of life afloat, you could tell something wasn't quite....right.



Unique as it may be, I can accept the practice of neck stretching as no different or weird than breast augmentation or a nose job, but this is pervasive cosmetic alteration.  Every woman in the village practices this, not just some, and those without long necks are just simply not considered beautiful or of worth.  Their whole value is wrapped up in their ability to fit more rings between their shoulders and skull.  Granted, when a woman has the rings, she is very well respected in her community and well taken care of by her husband.  But I struggle to understand how they can have a deep and fulfilling commitment when everything is so focused on something as superficial as the amount of space between a woman's skull and scapula.  But then again, I don't really understand how anybody has found fulfilling commitment through superficial means, so I guess that's not surprising.  Either way, emotional depth seems to be the least of their problems for now.  Incest is a much more pressing matter, mostly because there's just not that many people in the village, and since long-necks are hardly the concern of most Thai people, they do not marry outside the village.

In order to optimize touristic funds, they do share real estate with another hill tribe from Burma - the Big Ears.  This wasn't as dramatically different to me considering the ear-gauging practices that seem to still be gaining popularity.  However, the principle with the big-ears is the same as the long-necks, and it still depresses me a bit.  These are beautiful women, and it makes me sad to think they perceive the source of beauty and worth to be somewhere in those shiny brass rings.  But once again, that belief extends far beyond the bounds of Thailand.

After the long necks, we went to a butterfly and an orchid farm.  As I closely examined all the varying types, colors, shapes and sizes of the orchids, I thought more about the beauty each of us has within us.  That sentiment continued as I walked through the butterfly farm.  Because while these butterflies now have gorgeous wing spans with incredibly stunning patterns, they each started off as a simple and rather plain looking caterpillar.  Likewise, I considered how we are gods in embryo.  Butterflies in the larval stage of our development, ignorant and perhaps totally blind to the kind of potential and beauty we have ahead of us.  

Eventually, I did give pondering all this stuff a break.  We made it back home just in time for our graduation ceremony.  So here I am, all official and certified by the Thai Ministry of Health.

 

Afterward we celebrated by going to a Thai buffet.  Talk about an experience.  The basic setup of the buffet was a mixture of prepped foods and hot-pot style raw meats and veggies.  They are all lined up on long tables in the middle of a stadium-like building with no walls.  Considering my reservations with the supermarket meat displays, it may be redundant to say I pretty much steered clear of the raw meat.  But I did have several other cooked foods and vegetarian options that were quite tasty.  It turned out to be a great opportunity to try many of the Thai foods I wanted to taste, but not eat a whole meal of. 

After eating more than our bodies wanted to allow, we tried unsuccessfully to find a decent karaoke bar.  Eventually we gave up and ended up going for massages again instead.  After loosening everything up, we headed to Zoe's, and spent our last Saturday night together, dancing like there was no tomorrow.  Around 3am, my body decided it was done so we went home, but my mind wasn't quite through digesting the tour to the long-neck village.  There was something about it that just didn't quite settle.

As bittersweet as the visit was, and though I'm not sure how I feel about it, I'm glad I went.  It was a good reminder to me that women everywhere struggle to remember that they are daughters of God with an innate and divine worth.  It's another affirmation to me that there is great understanding, happiness, security, and peace in the knowledge of that divine nature.  Additionally, as convicted as I am about my need for depth and understanding, sometimes I forget that beauty is in the eye of the beholder because it seems like so many are beholding with the same eyes.  But that's just cultural attraction, not beauty.  And it's good to remember that there is a difference.  I think, most of all, that's where my mind kept wandering to.

I know cultural attraction has it's place in propagating a society, but that's all it is, part of a culture.  In the eternal scheme of things, it's about as valid and meaningful as the Utah hair bump, the fohawk, or this here skin whitening tablet.  The more I think about it, I'm not even sure attraction as we know it really exists in the eternities.  If everyone is of one heart, one mind, and one understanding, then the length of their neck, the size of their bust, or the shape of their eyes is completely irrelevant.  If you think about it, those are nothing more than cultural distractions, covering up the true spiritual attractiveness of any given individual.  Think of what the world would look like if people were purely attracted to one another because of spiritual development, understanding, and compatibility.  Think of how much less adultery, divorce, or even pornography where would be if we saw one another for what we really are, rather than what we are packaged in. 


Humph, but I know I'm just spouting ideals.  I know attraction is as much a part of our physical natures as hunger or thirst.  But if we can fast, diet, and refrain from certain foods, that means we are able to overcome those physical urges and appetites.  Can't we do the same with attraction?  Is it possible to change what you're attracted to just like it's possible to change what kind of food you like?  I know it's changed for me over the years.  I remember when I thought there was nothing hotter than a emotionally troubled rebellious musician with a bad mouth and a sweet side.  Now, that's completely unappealing.  I remember when I refused to eat wheat over white bread growing up, now whole grains is always my preference.  Some of that was conscious choice, some of that was a consequence of other life changes.  But it does go to show that we have some say in what we are attracted to.  It also goes to show how fickle and temporal attraction actually is.

Most of all though, I wonder why we've chosen our current standards of attraction.  We change them all the time, but they still seem to be centered or at least heavily weighted on physical appearance, and none of them ever actually address that void we are looking to fulfill.  And despite some beliefs, Mormons are no better at this.  We should be.  Based on our teachings of divine potential, the Holy Ghost, eternal families, and especially eternal marriage, we shouldn't even be batting an eye at cultural attraction.  We should be able to see one another as Christ sees us.  We have the tools, but too many of us aren't using them.  You look at who dates, who marries, and who does not, and it's apparent that we struggle with that.  But it's never too late to learn.  It's never too late to decide you want something different, hopefully, something better.

To all my single friends:  I have a suggestion.  I know you've heard this before, but if you are looking to find a spouse, work on your own development.  Be the guy/girl you would want your daughter/son to date.  Read, pray, look for understanding that will bring you peace, fulfillment, joy, and eventually, love.  Work on developing the vision to see the sons and daughters of God that surround you as they really are.  Not just for romantic purposes, but for the betterment of your life.  The more clearly you see yourself and others, the less confusion and drama you'll have in dating, which eventually leads to a better marriage (or at least that's what I've observed).  Ditch the drama, it's mindless (and often stressful) entertainment that has no eternal value.

To illustrate this:  I was watching clips from The Mormon Bachelor earlier in the week, and this became glaringly obvious to me.  Just watching the interviews for these men and women made me feel anxious and a bit nauseated.  Not that they were awful or unappealing people by any means.  Many were well accomplished, attractive, good men and women.  But with the vast majority, there was something just a little off in their interview.  It took me a while to put my finger on it, but I think it had something to do with a general lack self-awareness, depth, and genuine confidence.  There was plenty of entertainment, arrogance, and lots of talking about self, but few of them really addressed who they really are.  They talked about things they liked, what they were looking for, but rarely did they offer up an explanation of who they were as a unique son or daughter of God.  Rarely did they address why those desired attributes would be specifically beneficial to them or their development and understanding.  

Now granted, this is for a show, and shows are about drama.  And I know making a video about yourself, trying to sell a committee on why you should be picked for something, is not the easiest forum for expressing your own self-knowledge or understanding.  I thought about whether or not I would be able to make a video that accurately portrayed my own self-perception (not that I would EVER try out for that show).  Truth is, it would be hard, perhaps even impossible.  So this is not a judgement on those who auditioned, but rather, an observation of something I think our generation struggles with.  I think we struggle seeing things and others as they really are.  Maybe it's because our attention is always being demanded elsewhere (media, friends, drama, etc), but I think we struggle seeing ourselves as we really are.  Yes, part of that is just a bi-product of mortality, but we have the tools to see better every day, and few seem passionate about using them.  Wouldn't using those tools be an incredibly good investment of our time and energy?  Not just for ourselves, but for everyone.  Think about what a waste it would be for an optometrist to know how to test or improve vision, but never bothered to correct his own.  How helpful would he really be to any of his patients? 

Being pervasively single, I probably should add, that this is something I have been and continue to work on, every day.  So, this is as much for me as anyone.  That desire for greater vision is what ultimately drives me, and so far it's worked out pretty well.  It's what directs my choices, creates my curiosity, and curbs my appetites.  I am single, but I'm happy.  I feel patient.  I feel at peace.  I'm working, learning, and striving to see better all the time.  Every day I see more than I did previously, and I know I'm doing what I should be to become the person that will be more capable of participating in a healthful, happy, and fruitful relationship bound for nothing short of eternity.  I may have a while to go, but I'm not worried.  I'm really not even lonely.  With that knowledge and a stubborn sense of optimism, I feel good on my own.  I enjoy single life, but I still look forward to the day I can share my life with someone, have children with someone, and figure out what exactly it means to become one with another human being.  I have faith that the Lord will help me to see clearly who that is and when the time is right.

Until then, I know I've got a whole lot of work that can be done on my own.  So, I best get to it.  Thanks to all of you who have been and are so patient and supportive throughout that process.  Thank you for putting up with my ignorance, curiosity, verbal vomit, and ideological pontificating.  Thank you for listening to me, laughing, dancing, and crying with me, and helping me to see everything more clearly.  Thanks especially to my family, both biological and otherwise.  Nobody has put up with more from me than you, and nobody is more important to me than you.  I miss you all dearly, but I can feel your prayers, love, and faith, even on the opposite side of the world.  It is because of you that I've been able to embark on this adventure with no fear, high hopes, and no worries.  It is because of you that I've been able to continue with a decent amount of patience and more energy than any sober human being should be capable of possessing.  You've each helped me to better understand myself, God, and the plan He has for me.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  God bless, namaste, and sawadee ka!

How To Be A Burmese Bongo Rockstar

Today is the first day of my last week in Chiang Mai, and once again, timing is perfect.  It's getting hot - very hot.  It's been super humid and in the upper 90's all week long.  I'm ready to quit that.  I'm more than incredibly grateful to have air conditioning in my dormitory, but the moment you step outside, the heat and humidity soak you.  The warm nights have turned into hot nights, and I have wear too much clothing to enjoy that.  So while I've loved Thailand, it's food, it's people, and it's sense of fun, I'm ready to head down under that equator.

Due to the incredibly hot nights, I haven't done much this week.  I studied a lot because we had two exams, but other than that, I stuck close to the air conditioning in my room.  Well, mostly.  Thursday night we went to dinner to celebrate another unit completion.  We had dinner in the city, did some impromptu karaoke because the singer that night struggled with English, and then went to a Muay Thai boxing match.  The boxing match was interesting, but not terribly impressive.  It was apparently more of a 'show' than a match, and you could tell there just wasn't a whole lot of heart involved.  While it was cool to see the style and methods behind everything, it became boring after a while, so we ended up playing Jenga and billiards for the rest of the night.

Friday night, I went to the market with Kozue and Eriko.  After some shopping, we decided to go to a restaurant called Dash! (exclamation point in the name).  The food was alright, and the owner was shamelessly hitting on us the whole time (kind of to the point of annoyance), but the dessert made it all worth while.  We had a fantastic cheesecake with mango sauce, and a carrot cake with passion fruit icing.  Oh, my goodness, it was amazing.  I think it has become one of my goals to master that icing.  It was one of the best things I've ever tasted, and I'm not a huge frosting fan.  While inhaling our dessert, the performer for the evening started playing "Home on the Range."  Never in my life did I think I'd enjoy hearing that song, but apparently, absence does make the heart grow fonder.  After the song was over, I thanked the musician and told him I'm from Kansas, where that's our state song.  Not sure if he knew what a 'state song' was or not, but he smiled, said "Kansas huh?" and proceeded to play "Dust in the Wind."  Thai people crack me up.

It was during this song that I spotted a set of bongos next to the table.  Feeling the desire to jam a bit, I started playing.  Though it took me a bit to find my bongo groove, by the end of the song we were sounding pretty good.  So good in fact, that the guy asked me to keep playing.  Thankfully, he only played songs I knew, and we synced up very easily.  I even sang harmony on a few.  The audience was eating it up, but I'm not sure if it was because we actually sounded good, or because they really got a kick out of watching a young white girl jam out with an old Thai guy.  Either way, their enthusiasm prompted us to joke about going on tour together (because who doesn't love a spectacle).  Who wouldn't want to come see this handsome duo?

After a few more songs, the girls started getting tired.  Everyone graciously opposed my leaving, but I was pretty tired myself, and I knew I had to be up by 5am the next morning.  So I bid my buddy adieu and headed home. 

The next morning, I headed to Myanmar (Burma) to do the visa run I mentioned before.  I woke up at 5, got to the bus station by 6, and had to wait until 9:30am to catch a bus to Mae Sai, Thailand (earlier buses were full).  I tried to make the most of the down time and the stations hot and smelly, but cheap internet cafe.  For 3 hours, I caught up on my episodes of 30 Rock (Big Bang Theory is the only show I've allowed myself to stream thus far).  Needless to say, the wait went by pretty quickly.

The bus to Mae Sai was was incredibly comfortable, and cold.  Luckily, I brought my jacket with me, because the AC was blasting for the full 5.5 hours.  I slept, listened to the last book of the Hunger Games, tried to snuggle with my freezing limbs, and enjoyed the snacks I purchased for the trip.  The only real hiccup was attempting to use the toilet while the bus sped down the very windy, very bouncy, mountain road.  Though sitting down wasn't difficult, trying to stand up, maintain balance, and pull up my pants at the same time became quite a feat.  Eventually, I did manage, with only minor injuries, and we reached Mae Sai at 2pm where I had to catch a taxi to reach the Burma border.

When we got there, I walked through one rather nice looking gate, got my passport stamped to exit Thailand, then walked to a second, more shoddy, gate and got my passport stamped to enter Myanmar.  (Even the difference between the two gates was rather telling.  Thailand is definitely doing much better than Burma).  I then took the next couple of hours to look around the shops of Myanmar, which, to put it lightly, is basically knock-off central (Prada, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, etc all for $5-10).  If I had any concern or attachment to labels, bags, sunglasses, or wallets, this is the place to be.  But, since I don't, I mostly just walked around, got a deck of cards and some earrings as souvenirs, fended off more "I love yous" and marriage proposals than I cared to count, and headed back to the border.

I ran into several beggars heading back, and it woke me up to the current state of affairs in Burma.  There's an awful lot of stuff in that market, and a lot of money being made off of it.  But the people are still struggling, still hungry, and still suffering.  I guess when government is formed in fraud, supported by fraud, and economically fueled by fraud, it's hard to come by the social and political integrity required to make things better.  I can't say any of those I interacted with seemed miserable.  Most were actually quite pleasant, but you could see the need in their eyes.  I was so glad I had brought all of my travel snacks with me.

Haha, maybe I should explain that.  So, in Salt Lake City, there's a prolific amount of organized panhandling.  Giving money to beggars is therefore discouraged by the homeless shelters and city government.  I always felt awful ignoring them, because I knew some were genuinely in need, but I didn't know how to separate those really in need and those just taking advantage of others generosity.  And since I couldn't differentiate, I always had this internal moral struggle every time someone put out their hand.  "Am I just promoting panhandling?"  "Weren't you taught to take care of those less fortunate?"  "Are they going to use it to just buy drugs or booze?"  "I do have much, so I should give right?"  It was a bit of a mess.  

The solution I came up with was to offer food instead of money.  If someone is truly in need, food is the #1 priority, and I'm always more than happy to feed someone.  It was interesting to see how quickly you could separate those in need and those being contracted out to look like their in need.  Some would flat out tell me no, they only wanted money.  Some would accept the food, either graciously or begrudgingly, and at that point it was always pretty apparent when they really needed it. 

So anyway, while I was walking through the markets in Burma, every one who approached me to beg was incredibly receptive to the food I gave them.  In Salt Lake City, about 25% of those I offered food to would happily accept it.  In India, it was more like 75%.  So 100% to me says something about that country's state of affairs.  When I tried to give a bag of apricots to one older woman, she looked at me, confused, and gestured to ask if they were all for her.  I nodded, and seeing her beam with gratitude at something so minor broke my heart.  Those apricots cost me 20 Baht, which is equivalent of about 80 cents.  Perhaps it goes without saying, but we are truly blessed to live in the country and era that we do.  If nothing else, this trip has taught me that.

Where was I....oh yes....leaving Burma.  So I walked back across the border (which is apparently a river), got my re-entry for Thailand, and now I can legally stay until after I'm done with school.  Yay.  After getting my stamp, I bee-lined it back to the bus station and then caught the the next bus back to Chiang Mai.  From the bus station, I took a tuk tuk into the city because I had promised the girls from school I would go dancing with them that night.  I was incredibly hungry and VERY tired, but I do try to keep my promises.  So with the infinitesimal amount of energy I had left, I went dancing (till 1am), came home....and died....or at least pretty close.  All in all, a good week, but that was one very very long day. 

Fear, Faith, and Motivational Math

Sometimes I wish there was a way to just download random thoughts and observations from our brain, directly into text form.  It has been a great week here for many reasons, but the effort it will take to form sentences and explain why now seems daunting.  Ugh...but here goes.

So quick recap on the last week since I didn't really cover it in my last post.  I passed my lymph and thai massage exams.  After examinations we had a Thai New Years party (Songkran starts this week) with the whole school at the Holiday Inn restaurant/buffet.  It was a seafood buffet and was actually a good precursor for the types of food I would be trying the rest of that week.  Everybody else seemed to love it, but I myself....well....lets just say for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable concluding that I don't really care for seafood.  Most white fish, salmon, lobster, and perhaps crab are still on the pass list, but after trying oysters, clams, octapus, squid, crayfish, shrimp, and frog, I feel well versed enough to conclude they are not for me.  The taste was either fishy or texturally repulsive, so it didn't take much to conclude an aversion.  And I'm not sure if this is common all over the rest of the world, but the Thai have a habit of presenting food in such a way as to remind you where it came from.  Personally, I prefer my food to be a little less...authentic?  Here's a couple of examples of what I'm talking about.

I know it's hard to see, but that last picture is of an octopus, a whole octopus mind you, that is cooked in with a seafood stew.  The taste/texture of the octopus wasn't too bad, but I had a hard time getting past the sensation of masticating it's rubbery and suction-cup-lined tentacles and bulbous head.  Blech...

So on a completely unrelated and much more appetizing topic, I took a Thai cooking course (seafood free) this week.  It was the first really touristy activity I've participated in here in Chiang Mai, and the most English I've spoken in weeks.  I learned to make Khao Soy, Pad Thai, Cashew Chicken, and Tom Kha Gai (coconut soup).  Making the food was actually easier than I anticipated, as long as you can gather the proper materials.  I was also given a small cookbook with various other curry recipes, so I'll be practicing in the meantime.  And yes Dan, I'll make you Khao Soy when I get to Cali...I promise. :)

The rest of this week, I've basically been a bum.  We've been out of school for Songkran, but celebrations didn't actually start until Thursday.  So, I just used the time to relax and catch up on some trip planning (booking hotels, flights, tours, etc) for when I head to Australia and New Zealand.  I'm glad I took that time too, because Songkran is freaking nuts.  Historically, it was a time for paying respect to elders and family members by taking blessed water (blessed by Buddha by pouring it over his statue), and pouring it over the shoulders in an effort to wash the bad away and give them good fortune.  Considering it's close proximity to Easter, I found this rather interesting.

But despite it's serene and rather religious origins, Songkran has evolved into a 4 day all out water war that pervades all of Chiang Mai.  It's so pervasive, in fact, that if you make any effort to go outside during that time, you should plan on getting soaked....repeatedly.  Everywhere you go, you'll meet people armed with water guns, buckets, and barrels of water, just waiting to 'bless you with good fortune.'  I enjoyed it for the first few days.  In fact, it was a nice break from the heat.  But my nerves can only take so much shock, and after being soaked for two days and having countless unanticipated buckets of ice-water being dumped on me, I'm in bad need of a break.  So today I've made a goal to stay safely inside...and more importantly....dry.   Hence, writing my blog seemed like a good idea.

The one thing I keep thinking about though, is how to get to church tomorrow without getting completely soaked on the way.  Hmm...oh well, I'm sure I'll figure it out.  That reminds me though, I finally got to go to church last week!  Because of my navigational issues the first week, and conference the next week, last Sunday was the first time I've been able to attend church in 2 months.  It was Easter Sunday and I was really looking forward to going and finally taking the sacrament.  When I got there, I realized that that wouldn't be an option.  I guess with the time it takes to translate everything, General Conference is broadcasted a week later here, and broadcasted in Thai at that.  Luckily, I was able to acquire some English headphones, and even though I had watched all of the conference a week before, it turned out to be an incredible experience.

Though the talks were the exact same, the Spirit I felt that day among all of my Thai brothers and sisters was incredibly powerful.  I could feel of their faith, devotion, and community.  Almost the entire congregation was Thai and hardly anybody could speak English, but I felt an overwhelming amount of kinship, peace, and love just sitting with them.  By the time the first hymn was sung, I was already choking back the laugh/cry/giggle that usually accompanies my being overwhelmed by the Spirit.

For my readers who don't know what I mean by 'overwhelmed by the Spirit (Holy Ghost),' it's probably best described as an overwhelming feeling of peace and happiness.  Every person on earth, regardless of faith, experience, or culture can feel that Spirit (Mormons, by no means, have a monopoly on it).  Often, it accompanies an experience, realization, acknowledgement, or affirmation of truth.  For some people, it causes them to become emotional and cry (Have you ever inexplicably cried during a really happy/beautiful movie?  It's kind of like that).  For others, it causes them to become almost giddy or really enthusiastic.  But while these may be the more common ways I've heard described, everybody experiences that Spirit in their own way.

For me, it sometimes feels like a warm peace that starts deep within my soul and washes over my whole self.  Other times, it's like a shot of happy juice that brings clarity to my perspective, gratitude for my circumstance, and a lot of love for everyone around me.  Most of the time though, it's a subtle mixture of those feelings.  Last week, during that broadcast, it was more like a deluge of every experience I just described.  I wanted to laugh, cry, dance, hug the strangers next to me, shout "This is awesome!," and thank God for everything....all at the same time.  It was truly an amazing experience, and another affirmation to me of how real and wonderful the Gospel of Christ really is.  Best...Easter...EVER! :)

For the next few days after my spiritual cannonade, I was thinking about Christ's atonement, the love with which he performed it, and started pondering faith, fear, motivations, and why I do what I do.  I've always been fascinated by the power and polarity of intention.  Have you ever heard of a morally ambiguous intention?  An act or belief may be morally ambiguous, but the singular intentions behind it seems to always be described as 'good' or 'bad.'  I think this might be because intention is something wholly individual in nature, and the ultimate drive of our God-given ability to chose.  Nobody can dictate another persons intention.  Nobody can even truly know what another persons intention actually is.  We, as individuals, are the only ones who can know (and chose) what is driving us to do what we do.  I also think it's why we're told not to judge others.  Actually, I know that's why we are told not to judge others.  Because until we become like Christ, we do not have the ability to look upon or see the intentions of another human being.  Others can observe behavior and speculate intent, but only the individual acting can delve into their own motivations and answer the question of why they do what they do, and whether it's good or bad.  And I firmly believe it's the "why they do what they do" that can determine the personal happiness or misery of any given individual. 

Not only does this mean we shouldn't judge, but it also means each of us responsible and accountable for our own intentions, independent of age, circumstance, or experience.  I can testify that personal intent, essential to our peace and happiness, often takes time, effort, and introspection to know/understand.  I think everybody can agree that an intention of love is always a good intention, and I would argue it's present in all good intention.  But sometimes, love hurts others more than it helps.  I think it's partly because the emotion of 'love' is ambiguous and utterly subjective to human understanding and experience.  I may think I'm loving someone simply because they feel love for them, and from there convince myself that every intention felt is a good intent.  That turns into thinking "All of my desires will bring me happiness because I'm doing it for love."  I think this happens a lot, and is the source of a lot of confusion for a lot of people in many different kinds of relationships (families, romance, communities, friendships, etc).  Proof of this: millions of people have a hard time differentiating between real love and twisted adolescent obsession.

I rest my case.  

So this was my realization.  While perfect love is always the best intention, it's also something we are still learning, and therefore stands as a poor method assessing one's personal intent (at least on it's own).  It's like trying to navigate with a compass when you don't know which way is up.  The way I see it, there needs to be another way to check intention, to check and see if our current intentions are congruent with future happiness.  I think many, both religious and otherwise, use principles they hope or know to be true and judge their actions for ill or good depending on how well they line up with those.  I would agree that truth is another important axis for assessing intent, and that having 2 points of reference does create a better understanding of location (think of an xy plane).  However, this is a 3D world we live in (sorry for all the math references).  With love and truth, we might be able to pinpoint our horizontal and vertical intent, but we might be completely backwards and have no way of knowing it. 

I therefore propose a third dimension.  Namely: Faith.  This creates an axis or reality that looks something like this.  Just like most mathematical axis, the negative half of the axis constitutes the opposite of the positive (ie. truth is positive, and the opposite of truth is negative, etc.)  Since the end goal of all human desire is to achieve/exist in happiness, I've pointed out the quadrant (ok...technically an octant) where I believe eternal happiness is experienced.  The equation for happiness then would go something like this:

 A(Truth) + B(Faith) + C(Love) = Happiness   

I know.  I've thought about this too much.  But this realization was probably one of the most clear epiphanies I've had this whole trip.  As with most epiphanies, it hit me in the most random place.  It wasn't in church, reading my scriptures, or saying my prayers.  No, awareness of this dimension struck me as I was wandering around Chiang Mai, completely lost and all by myself.  Perhaps and odd time to be checking intent, but I started wondering why I was wandering since I had no idea where I was.  I tried to assess the various emotions I was experiencing at the time.  There was a lot of confusion, frustration, and even some self-loathing, but none of those were the reason I continued to move, despite having no idea where I was or where I was going.  Then it hit me, I was wandering because I was afraid of not getting home.  Immediately after this realization, another thought hit me - faith casteth out fear, and I can choose faith.  Rather than wandering out of fear, I can choose to wander in faith instead.  It wasn't really a new concept, but in the context under which it was applied, it was all a little mind-blowing for me at the time.  

So in that moment, I decided to choose faith.  I chose to believe that even if I was wandering for while, I would reach my destination and all would be well.  The almost immediate internal transformation that occurred is hard to describe.  I no longer worried about getting home.  I felt peace about what I was doing and where I was walking, even though I had no idea where that was.  I didn't walk in a perfect line straight home, but I wasn't questioning every turn, going back and forth, or even thinking about what would happen if I didn't make it home.  My intention was to have faith that I would get to where I wanted to be - and eventually, I did.  

So as I wandered with this faith and it's accompanying sense of peace, my mind started racing.  What is the place of faith in intention?  Can all intentions be so simply divided into those fueled by faith and those by fear?  Is that the element that I see missing from those supposedly 'good' intentions that don't turn out so good?  Is that why some of the most intense forms of love result in some of the most controlling relationships?  Is that why something as pure and good as parental love can be so powerfully detrimental?  Is that why some people who have a great understanding of truth are so often so prone to worry ?  Is it really as simple as choosing to act in faith instead of fear?  Can it really be that easy?  The Spirit's affirmation to me: "Yes, yes it is." 

So here is how I see it now, and I've provided some examples of what I mean.  We are either....

******motivated by the fear of desires not being fulfilled and happiness therefore obstructed.******
-- studying because we fear not getting a good grade
-- voting for someone because we fear their opponents policies
-- giving our teenager a curfew because we fear they will make bad choices
-- dating lots of people because you fear living life alone
-- working because you fear unemployment and poverty
-- writing in your journal because your computer died in the middle of a blog post and you fear you'll loose your train of thought

*******motivated by faith that desires will be fulfilled and/or happiness achieved (aka optimism)*******
-- studying because you know you'll get a good grade if you do
-- voting for someone because you know they'll do a good job while in office
-- giving your teenager a curfew because you know it will improve their choices and therefore their lives
-- dating lots of people because you know one of them will be 'the one' you'll want to be with forever
-- working because you know the act of work brings fulfillment and joy
-- writing in your journal because your computer died in the middle of a blog post and you know a break from the keyboard will help you write a better post

So going back to my 3D axis:  Like positive and negative integers, I think each intention can be separated by either an eye of faith, or an eye of fear.  I would argue that those who feel both faithful and fearful are actually just hovering around 0, being swayed one way or the other by various events or emotions.  For intentions that are a mixture of two positives and a negative, you may be closer to the octant of happiness, but still not quite there.  They may feel satisfaction or even fleeting joy, but still lack the proper formula that equates to real, lasting, and permanent joy.

Example: What happens when someone acts out of truth, love, and fear --> They worry.  What happens when someone has truth and faith but no love? --> They become self-righteous or conceited. 

I think it's safe to say neither of these things brings eternal happiness.  A worry wort may be happy when something they worry about doesn't happen, but they are still miserable in between.  A conceited person may be happy in moments they prove themselves right or perhaps better than others, but eventually, the pang of loneliness and isolation will strike, destroying any remnants of that satisfaction in it's wake. 

Now, all this being said.  I know a single action is often fueled by multiple intentions.  That most of our motivations are made up of a mixture of good and bad intents: some out of love, some in selfishness, some based in faith, and some in fear.  But I don't think that excuses us from owning and acknowledging each and every intention that precedes every action.  I believe each of us have the capacity to achieve the happiness we all fundamentally desire.  I believe that most people are actively working to achieve that desire, but that many haven't quite figured out the math, and are therefore getting frustrated and more confused.  I believe The Church, missionary work, and all other programs are ultimately geared toward teaching people these principles.  True, many of the tutors are usually still figuring out the process themselves, but I feel pretty comfortable saying that our leadership has a really good grasp on these concepts.  Just think about what was taught in this past conference - or every general conference at that.  The root message is always either "have faith and hope," "know this eternal principle," or "love one another."  More often than not, it's mixture of those three.  I do think the path to happiness can be found in the practice of of what Christ described as 'pure intent'.  I think pure intent is the what occurs when we know truth, feel love, and act in faith.  I do think optimism is necessary for pure intent to be achieved (perfect brightness of hope anyone?).  I have experience that as one practices these principles, they will find joy.  I have faith that because of Christ's love and his atoning sacrifice, that happiness is something I can choose to experience now - and always.

So in conclusion: Why do you do what you do?  Is it bringing you the happiness you desire?  
If not, perhaps you should check your math.